I rest my forehead against the steering wheel of my truck, taking deep breaths to steady myself. Coming here took strength I didn’t think I could muster. Hell, I spend half my time wishing he was gone, regretting that I didn’t push Wilder to kill him. But we have consciences… taking a life would be impossible.
Instead, we’re forced to deal with the aftermath of it all. The public scrutiny of Lake Hollow, the analysis of strangers, the emotional turmoil in our relationships, they all can hinder us ona bad day. But, fuck you, Charlie, our relationships with Remi only strengthened. Remington James was your downfall. She was too intelligent, her past prepared her too well, her love is too magnetic to allow you to demolish her spirit.
We don’t talk about you.
We don’t forgive you.
You’re the monster that we fight silently.
Oak Park Heights Correctional Facility is where Charlie will sit behind bars until his last dying breath. No one thought my coming here was a good idea. Mitchell tried to talk me out of it, telling me that his dad’s last visit messed him up again for weeks. He’s not accepting responsibility. I expected my application to visit him to be denied. There was deep apprehension when I admitted to myself that it would’ve given me relief to be told no. A reason to stop. To accept that we will never know what happened.
I’ll give it one last shot. One more attempt at extracting the truth from him. For Sara, Katie, and Carlotta. For the woman I will spend the rest of my life loving. For Remington.
Answers may never come. Detective Hemminger had told me when I was interviewed after we almost lost Remi that the investigation shifted from me as the main suspect to Charlie for three reasons: Mary Ross’ information about the phone call, Remi’s visit with Katie’s diary and the mention of meeting me at Lakeside Park making her think she was also being lured by Charlie, and the prescription number for the potassium chloride coming back to Bonnie Gibson. But they were nowhere near close enough to arresting him when he tried to take Remington’s life.
She survived. We caught him in the act. There is no way he can deny responsibility for that. Instead, he says nothing about it. Never testifying, never speaking to anyone regarding his charges.
Trying my best not to let my nervousness show, I follow instructions given to me at each stage once I’m in the doors of the prison to the visitation room. When I’m seated, I stare at the door he’ll be walking out of. I think of Remi’s words on the way out of the house today,“He’s going to try getting in your head, don’t give him the satisfaction. Don’t let him undo all the work you’ve done.”
It’s a struggle keeping my face devoid of emotion when he walks in with the guard. He nods at me, a brief upturn of his mouth before adopting a serious look. On the surface he is the same Charlie. The one that I had loved like a part of my family.
We stare each other down for a minute or two.
I’m searching for any sign of remorse or guilt from him. But he could be meeting me for a drink on a Tuesday at Beaus for all the emotion I’m detecting from him. My attempt to appear unruffled lasts seconds. I feel the sneer I have on my face, the flush crawling up my cheeks.
“No one wanted me to come here,” I break the silence between us. “They told me not to bother.”
He replies, “But here you are.”
Mentally, I need to dig deep, to picture my sister, Remi, Wilder, Grady, Carlotta, and Katie. I need to keep reminding myself… this isn’t my best friend. I don’t know this murderous monster.
“One time.” My teeth clench, I need a deep breath to steady my voice. “If you have a soul at all, if there is any truth to anything you ever said or did when we were growing up or this past summer… you’ll tell me what you did to my sister.”
He doesn’t drop eye contact with me, he doesn’t squirm in his seat, or fidget. He sits statue still. His mouth firmly closed. Like a standoff, I wait to hear anything. A denial, a confession. Even an insult. But he gives me nothing.
I’m pushing my chair back to get up and leave, when he says, “What have you been up to lately?”
Motherfucker, what? He’s sitting in a maximum-security prison for murder, he’s been given a serial killer fucking name, he’s ruined lives… but he asks me that? I’m fucking floored. Now my face is probably a brilliant red, as I ball my fists to rest on my thighs. “Detaching from every memory I have of you. You must be fucking kidding me with your bullshit.”
That gets a little smirk from him as he shakes his head. “There’s the Cal I know.”
“Don’t do that,” I warn him, leaning forward in the hard plastic seat. “You’ve been exposed for the lying piece of shit you are. Don’t act like you were ever my friend.”
His head dips slightly, he traces the edge of the table. Clearing his throat, he has tears in his eyes when he looks at me. “How is Remi doing?
No fucking way. He doesn’t get to speak her name or ask anything about her. With anger I respond, “Oh, you remember her? The woman you lied to, garnered sympathy from, manipulated, and tried to kill?”
“I ne-”
Does he forget we stopped him? I interrupt him, “Save it. You have two minutes to tell me what you did, or I leave. When I do, I’m not going to waste one more minute of my fucking time thinking of your sorry ass, I won’t ever say your name again, and I’ll never look at your smug face ever again. My life will continue without you in it, just fine. You’ll sit here rotting away waiting to die. Alone with nothing but the memories of what you did.”
But Charlie is done talking.
I stand to leave without looking back at him.
With my back still turned, I’m standing behind the guard who is opening the door to leave the visitation area when I hear Charlie say, “It wasn’t my fault, Cal.”
The fuck it wasn’t.