Page 219 of Dark Souls

“I still won.”

I turned slowly and stared at her. That vicious smile was back on her face.

“He thinks he survived me. But he didn’t. He may be living, breathing and have his demon back, but he’ll never be a whole person. You are right. I met the young man he was before I broke him. He was lovely. Sweet, kind, reserved. A true romantic.” She smirked as my nostrils flared. I was fighting every impulse in my body not to let her words affect me, but my darkness was pitch fucking black. “You’ll never get that version of him because he’s gone. He may love you but his love has limits. Boundaries set by his lack of humanity.”

I closed my eyes, focusing on counting my breaths. She was trying to provoke me to kill in a rage so she wouldn’t have to suffer my tortures. She wanted to die quickly.

“And he’ll never turn it back on. Do you know why? Because he doesn’t feel safe. He will NEVER feel safe. That must be really hard to hear, princess. You gave him your soul and still, it wasn’t enough. So, guess what? I still won.”

I zoomed back into her cell and punched her in the face, sending her flying backwards. I grabbed the back of her hair and yanked her head back violently. Her mouth fell open with a yelp and I held her tongue, pulling it out as far as I could and sliced the thing off with my knife. Blood pooled in her mouth, causing her gurgling wails to become muffled while I held my knife up to the flame of a candle to heat it. She tried to fight me, but I pinned her down and pressed the burning steel to her stump, cauterising the wound. When I was convinced the bleeding had stopped, I climbed off her and stared down as she rolled over and cried her first real tears.

“Now I can torture you in silence. Perfect.” I walked out of the dungeon, wiping my knife on the side of my dress. “See you soon, bitch.”

Therapy

Sittingontheledgeof the castle roof with an arm hanging over one bent knee, I stared out into the distance, waiting for the first of the morning’s rays to trickle over the horizon. I leaned my shoulder against one of the gothic spires and tried once again to search for a feeling, a sense of relief or joy, that my nightmare was over. The hate and anger still lingered, even after Mitchell’s death and knowing Belladonna was going to pay for her crimes. And I was tired of it. Sick of only feeling angry all the fucking time.

The only genuine moments of peace were when I was consumed by Ilaria. Whether I was holding her, fucking her, drinking her, it didn’t matter. She was my salvation. And she was an open book with me. Through our bond, I felt her constantly pouring all her emotions into me, letting me feel how happy, loved and safe she felt. But that wasn’t fair. Because what was I giving her in return? She knew I loved her, desired her and I’d do anything for her. But she also knew she was my only source for feeling anything other than rage in this life. I knew she would never ask for more, but that didn’t mean she didn’t deserve it.

So there I was. Sitting alone while the rest of the world slept peacefully, waiting for the sun to rise, hoping I might feelsomethingon my first true day of freedom.

The ground was coated in a ghostly fog as if it too was holding its breath and waiting for the darkness to lift because of the sun’s warm greeting. I narrowed my eyes as the sun started creeping over the landscape, dropping my arms to my sides and pressing my hands to the cold roof tiles until my skin ached, eager to feel its first touch across my face. How many years had I longed for this moment? To watch a new day begin, knowing I was free to bask in its reassuring warmth because I wasn’t bound to remain inside the very house that had always been my prison.

Pale gold spilt over the shimmering mist and crawled slowly up the height of the castle. I closed my eyes when it finally reached my face and waited for a moment of liberation to work its magic. To make me feel… grateful? Happy? Hopeful? But I felt… nothing. I opened my eyes and stared directly at the sun as if it had just broken an unspoken promise between us. All it left me with was the faint recognition that this should have meant something. That it should have woken life inside of me.

‘You know what you need to do, Luka? Turn your humanity back on,’Heathen spoke like the devil on my shoulder.

‘It’s not as easy as you think. There is a trigger. My lack of humanity is connected to something but I don’t know what.’

‘I’m here now. I won’t let you lose yourself to depression or the shit that you think will happen.’

I worked my jaw, feeling defensive and annoyed. He didn’t understand. He couldn’t. He wasn’t there. Not through all of it.

‘I was there through the worst bits. I was there when Alatar cut off our father’s head. I was there when they tied our brother to the house and watched him burn. I was there when they tortured you, trying to make you shift. I was there when we killed our mo–’

‘Shut the fuck up!’I roared at him, squeezing my eyes closed. My lack of humanity was a choice because it repressed and dulled all those memories. I didn’t need him to remind me of why I did it in the first place.

A shuffling noise pulled my attention away, and I peered down as Ilaria’s beautiful face looked up from her attic window.

“There you are.” She smiled, a sight more breathtaking than the sunrise itself. She effortlessly climbed onto the roof and sat beside me, wrapping her small arms around my bicep and rested her chin on my shoulder. I turned to look at her, still only wearing my shirt, with no make-up and uncombed hair. Enchanting in every way. “What are you doing up here?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” That was a lie. I slept. I passed out on that bed yesterday, missed dinner with her family and slept all the way through until 4am. It was the best I had slept for centuries. “I mean, I did sleep. But I woke up early, and I wanted to try something.”

“Oh, yeah?”

I swallowed, lifting my hands off the tiles and clasping them together in my lap. “It was stupid. It didn’t work.”

“What didn’t?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Luka.” She lifted her hand to my face and gently turned my jaw, forcing me to meet her pink eyes. I could never say no to those eyes and she knew it. “Talk to me.”

I sighed and lifted my hand to point at the sun and then down to the castle grounds below that were showing more visibility as the blanket of mist was surrendering under its warmth. “The world is mocking me. Even the fog feels the sun’s effect more than I do. I may physically feel it on my face, but I don’tfeelit. This was meant to mean more. But it just doesn’t.”

She remained silent for a few moments, moving her gaze to the horizon that lit up her flawless skin and sparkling eyes, magnifying her beauty as if she was under a lens.

“I know I should feel more. Heathen does. Heathen is elated to be free. He’s beside himself with happiness. I feel your emotions through our bond. I see Hana’s joy and contentment in the new life she has. Mitchell and Wesley are dead. Belladonna is as good as dead. I’m free from that house, from that life. I have you. We have a future together, which is something I never envisioned. And I know I should feel more.”

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