Page 26 of Vodka and Chocolate Drops

Her mother nodded sadly.

Amber was stunned. How could her father not have figured out that he had a child? He had to be an out-of-towner. Had to be.

She sat back, sorting through her feelings. Part of her felt relieved. She hadn’t been rejected by her dad, because if he didn’t know about her, he couldn’t reject her. It hadn’t even been a case of her mother not being enough to keep her man.

She felt buoyant and as though she had been freed. The knowledge opened up a whole new avenue of beliefs. Her father could be delighted to have her, and would welcome her into his arms and his family. He might claim her as his, as one of his clan.

“He tried to talk to me about it once and I implied that you weren’t his.”

“But why?”

“He had his own family by then. A wife. A kid on the way. He was starting a business and didn’t need the conflict.”

“Conflict?” Was that what she was? A conflict to be avoided? An obligation best not undertaken? Amber was so insulted she wanted to leave, but it was her house.

“We’d been dating in secret.”

Not more secrets. Would they never end? She was gettingsotired of secrets. So tired of being five steps behind her own life. Amber fought for patience, fought to keep her mouth shut so she didn’t ask her mom what she’d been thinking, dating a guy like that. When Amber found true love she wanted her man to be strong enough to tell everyone she was his. To claim her despite anyone else’s misgivings.

“His parents didn’t approve and thought he should marry someone else. So we started dating in secret, trying to sort out who we were without interference from his family. He was my one. I loved him like no other.”

Her mother fell silent.

“And?”

“I wanted him to know everything about me. I told him about your sister and we broke up.” Gloria paused and looked at Amber. “I can see what you’re thinking, and it wasn’t like that. It was my idea to keep it secret. He needed his family’s support for what he was doing, but in the end I wasn’t enough. What I’d done… I think it confirmed everything his family had been saying about me. But I had to be honest with him, Amber. I couldn’t keep it a secret. Not from him. I wanted to marry him. I just wish he could have… I wish we…” She grew silent again.

“He broke up with you because you wanted a better life for my sister? Didn’t he see what your mom and dad were like?” What kind of jerk would judge her mother for doing what she felt was best? The only person who had been hurt was Gloria. Amber wanted to meet this man and give him a good shake for not seeing that Amber’s grandmother, who had worked in a bingo parlor, and grandfather, who had packed up and left long before that, were hardly supportive parents. Gloria would have been a seventeen-year-old trying to raise a baby on her own. Even Amber could see that.

“He came from a different world, a different kind of family. He didn’t understand why I did what I did, and I felt so weak and selfish that I couldn’t stand up for myself and own it. I was devastated by his judgment. I had thought I’d made the right choice. We had a massive fight and out of spite I got back together with my ex.”

“Philip.”

Her mother nodded.

“But nobody knows who this man is, because you were dating in secret?”

She nodded again.

Amber thought back to what her mother had said about giving up her first child. “Do you regret putting my sister up for adoption?”

“It wouldn’t have been easy, keeping her, but I would have two wonderful daughters right now, wouldn’t I? I wouldn’t have the burden of all this.” Gloria’s voice was wobbling with indignant anger. “And maybe if I had kept her I could have shown him, shown the world, that I was more than just a woman who screwed up. I was a woman who persevered and…” She sighed deeply. “Oh, I don’t know. Just… something.”

They sat in silence for a moment.

This was Amber’s opening. Her chance to tell her mom that she had begun the search for her sister. Her heart thundered in her chest. She had a temporary secret from her mother, but was terrified to reveal it.

“Do you want to meet her?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Gloria rubbed her eyes with the tips of her fingers. “I don’t know, Amber. I don’t think I could handle it if she was mad at me. It was such a big sacrifice--for both of us. She might not understand my decision.”

“You wanted the best life for my sister and you made the appropriate arrangements in order to ensure it. Nobody can fault that. Nobody worthy of your time, anyway.”

Her mother gave her a sad smile, gently patting her cheek. “I’m tired. I’m going to head home and call it a night. I’m sorry I’ve kept so many secrets from you. I hope you’re not mad and that you can forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Amber said in surprise. “And I’m not mad. I’m just confused.” Torn up. Baffled by how things had progressed in her mother’s world, to the point where she felt too ashamed to tell the man she loved that he was a father. Amber wanted to understand, but felt a lot of anger at the injustice of his actions.

Her throat tightened as she thought about how her mother had felt forced to make such a heartbreaking choice alone--for a second time. What if Amber had been born first? What would her life have been like? She couldn’t imagine not having her mom, her rock, in her life.

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