Page 176 of Unspoken Truths

I haven’t been able to get back into reading dirty, smutty books since what happened at Elijah’s birthday. It's been months, and every time I try, I get angry with myself that I’m not different than I am.

So, instead, I’ve started reading psychology journals. They’re really interesting, and help me work through things. The issue now is to decide how I want to use what I learn.

“I doubt we’ll think it’s weird," Nacio says as he watches me walk to my closet to begin pulling off my boots. “What are you thinking?”

My skirt and stockings are pulled off next, and I notice as his eyes begin to hood. Maybe if he’s turned on already, he’ll be less likely to overthink this.

“So I’ve been reading about exposure therapy, where you slowly expose yourself to the things that you may fear or have had trauma with,” I explain, taking my top off.

I went without a bra tonight since my tank top had a really good built-in bra.

“Holy mother of God,” Ignacio prays as my breasts bounce out.

“Easy there, Nacio. You may get struck down by them,” Lili says with a grin. “Keep going, baby.”

Tossing my clothing into the hamper, I choose a long sleeved shirt to sleep in, pulling it over my head. I know you can see the imprint of my nipples, because Ignacio’s tongue almost falls out of his mouth like one of those cartoons.

“It helped me to watch Lili give you a blowjob,” I say, walking slowly back toward them. “It’s something I’ve always been kind of curious about.”

“Mmmhmm,” Nacio murmurs, looking confused. “You can use my body however you need, Rachelle. I want you to feel comfortable with me, or anything you may want to eventually try.”

Good, because this is a big ask.

“I want to watch you have sex with Lili,” I whisper. “Is that too out there?”

“I don’t think so,” she says slowly. “Ignacio?”

“Is this so you can see what it’s supposed to be like?” he asks, swallowing thickly. “I know you watched Jared and Marci, but that was fucking. That’s not how things would happen with Lili and I or you and me,nena.”

“I know,” I say, nodding quickly. I’m so nervous my fingers are twisting together as I worry, and he erases the space between us by dragging me to him.

“I’m in,” he murmurs, dropping his head to brush my lips.

Lili comes closer, her head already moving up and down. “You know I’m in,” she says, kissing me.

Ignacio and Lili look at each other for a moment, sharing words without sound.

“I’ll be right back,” he says softly.

“I’m clean, and on birth control,” she says.

That reminds me that I need to see the gynecologist soon. I never needed to before. I push away the unpleasant reminder of the rape kit performed at the hospital, as well the crying jag I had when I got my period a few weeks later. I’ve never been so happy to see the blood stain on the tissue paper when I wiped that day.

Colton raping me was like the gift that kept fucking giving.

Forcing myself back to the present, I watch the way Nacio almost trips over his feet.

“I had a STI screening a couple of months ago, and haven’t been with anyone,” he says. “Should I not go get a condom?”

“No, unless Rachelle wants us to,” Lili says. “Neither of us have any kind of sexually transmitted disease we can give you, and I take my birth control every day. It’s up to you.”

I know that I want to make sure everything is in place so that when I take this step, I don’t need a condom between Ignacio and I either.

“No, I don’t need him to wear one,” I whisper, watching as he locks the door.

“Okay, then,” he rasps.

Oh my God, this is happening!

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