Page 113 of This Side of Beautiful

I held Janae’s hand for most of the hike. She tripped and stumbled several times, clearly unused to walking across rugged land. I’d expected her to complain or refuse at some point, but she’d suggested doing short hikes every day. I’d told her I often took solo trips to nearby cities and states to hike and bike-ride to decompress. We both agreed nature made everything simple again.

Whenever I thought of Cedrick and Brian, I had a burst of energy to continue walking and dragged Janae behind me. I needed to work through my hurt and explain myself to her. The last thing I wanted was for her to add guilt that she’d broken up The Hollow Bones to whatever else she carried on her shoulders.

“I kept trying to figure out how your body looks like it does. I should’ve realized you rode bikes and walked. Funny how I used to see you. It’s so not like you are,” she said, panting as she rested against a tree trunk.

I scanned the path ahead and then looked at her. “Funny… like I’m someone you used to make fun of?”

Janae frowned. “What? I would never and have never made fun of you, even when I only saw you as a nerdy guitar player. Why would you say that?”

“Because girls like you in high school used to make fun of me.” I started walking again, moving low-hanging branches out of her way as she followed. A colorful butterfly flitted around us.

“Woah.” I recoiled and backed up against Janae, who started laughing.

“Don’t tell me Mr. Love and One with Nature is scared of butterflies?” She snickered.

“I’m not scared. They’re just gross.” I scanned the area for the insect that appeared to float above a bush.

“How are they gross?” she asked, still smirking.

“Keep walking, please, since it doesn’t look like it plans to move anytime soon.” I pulled her by her wrist, and she resisted.

“I love butterflies. They are so majestic and beautiful.”

“Yet still a gross caterpillar in the middle. That’s all I can see.”

Janae shook her head. “If you can only see how she started and not where she ended, you’re missing the whole point.” She moved closer to the bush to inspect the butterfly. “This is a tiger swallowtail. See the blue on the ends?”

“When you told me you loved butterflies, I thought it was on some poetic, flowy dress type of vibe. You really study this.”

“I wouldn’t say study. I just believe their existence is proof that we are meant to change and transform.” She glanced over her shoulder at me. This Janae was still and focused. “It’s why I have butterfly tattoos. Their growth from something ugly and gross to beautiful and mystical fascinates me. It means something special when they fly around you.”

“Okay. Why did that butterfly fly around us?” I nudged her shoulder.

“Butterflies can reflect your inner self.” She placed her hands on her hips and squinted at me. “You’ve been walking around all these years with all of this hurt inside of you, hiding who you are from the world. Maybe you’re finally ready to show me, the type of girl you swore wouldn’t give you the time of day, who you are.”

I scoffed, shaking my head. “Trust me, you wouldn’t have looked twice. No one really did except my teachers, who loved me. I could disappear in my music and spend my lunch in the band room learning how to play any instrument my teacher allowed me to touch.”

“Why the guitar?”

I exhaled, letting my fingers graze the pick in my pocket. “My parents wanted me to learn the instruments they loved so bad. I was naturally drawn to the guitar. I could control how I wanted it to sound more than any other instrument. I felt seen whenever I played, whether anyone was watching or not.”

Janae tugged on the hem of my shirt and made me look down at her. “You’re so striking, though. I can’t imagine no one noticed you then.”

My gaze followed her hand, and I let out a short laugh. “I’ve gained muscle and paid enough attention to hide my geekiness, as you were so happy to point out at the gala. You remember, the one where you didn’t even remember my name?” I tilted my head, studying her. “Would you have noticed me if you didn’t try to run away that night? Would you be more into Cedrick or Brian or the other guys if you hadn’t bumped into me?”

She hugged my waist. “How can I possibly answer that? Once we locked eyes that night, no one else in The Hollow Bones, or any other man, mattered. I noticed your staring at me because I kept staring at you, wondering why I never reallysawyou.” She rested her chin against my chest and gazed up at me. “We’re here now because, call it fate or serendipity, we noticed each other when we were ready for each other.”

Her soft smile warmed my heart. “That weekend, I didn’t care that you froze up whenever I touched you unexpectedly or that you have to position yourself on the same side of the stage. That you wore your hat all the time, or you have to hold on to that pick when you become uncomfortable, which seems to be every single day whenever it’s not just you and me or the guys. It doesn’t even scare me away that you have panic attacks and that eye contact is a challenge for you unless you’re looking at me. I want to be with you, Landon. I love you.”

I grinned pulling her closer. “I swear you make me feel like the month of October. All chill and cozy.”

Janae laughed as she tapped my chest. “Yet you were ready to leave me.”

“Just because I was going to leave you didn’t mean I wanted to. It took all my power to not break down in front of you. I was afraid I wouldn’t return to New York in one piece. As soon as you slammed the door and said I couldn’t leave, I was so blissfully happy.” I held her face in my hands, my thumbs caressing the softness of her cheek. “You can’t use ever again. This isn’t my trying to control your life or tell you what to do. I can’t be with a woman who uses drugs or alcohol. I grew up with a drunk and physically abusive man and watched my mother get hit. My father has accomplished more than most musicians will ever do, and all I can see is wasted talent. I can’t be my mother to you.”

Her eyes teared up. “An apology can never be enough for what I put you through in L.A.”

“Guess this is where I really talk about me.” I pulled off my backpack and took out two bottles of water and a blanket to spread on the grass. I rested my back on the trunk of a large tree and patted the space between my legs for Janae to sit. We faced the serene Lake Travis, only a few feet away. The shade of the large tree kept the sun bearable.

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