Page 655 of Filthy Elites

I don’t want to leave her, but I think tonight it might be for the best.

I watch her rush up the path and into the house. When the door closes, the sound echoes in my heart.

I called her mine earlier, but she didn’t feel like mine until just now when I saw her pain.

SEVENTEEN

Billie

I overreactedwith Chad when I saw him yesterday.

At least I think to him I did.

The only thing I know is I wouldn’t have acted any other way if I did it all over again.

The wind picks up the ends of my hair as I stare out into the shadowy expanse of the Hudson River.

I couldn’t stay in the house today, so I went for a long walk. The kind that saw me gone for the whole day. I drove out to the Palisades because Isabelle told me it was good for those times when you needed to get lost from the world.

She was right. The place is huge and beautiful.

I walked around, then before night fell. I stationed myself here by the edge of the cliff so I could watch the sunset.

I thought I’d leave then, but I’m still here. I’m reluctant to go home because I don’t want to answer questions I know I’ll find difficult to answer.

When I got in last night, I ran straight up to my room. I knew Mom and Cal were home, and hours later, they came to see if I was okay.

I never said much, but they could see I was far from what I assured them.

I’ll never be okay, never be fine, never be whole.

The memory of my attack triggered this time because of how badly I want to forget.

As Chad called me his, I didn’t even think of the warning not to fall for him. I wanted to be his, and I desperately wanted to forget the past. Then I realized it would always be a part of me.

I know he figured it out. I could tell he knew what happened to me even without me saying it.

I remember when it all happened. I used to feel vile and disgusting. Filthy and dirty. Unworthy of everything good. Like the little whore that devil used to call me.

I stopped speaking for a while, and it wasn’t until after a few years of therapy that I felt like myself again.

By then, I was nearly twelve. To go through something like that at such a young age was awful. Sometimes, I don’t know how I did it, and I always worry about what people will think of me when they find out the sordid details of my past.

What did Chad think?

I’ve been his whore for a month already. I was a whore again yesterday when I was with him.

The snap of a twig crunching under a heavy boot has me turning around quickly. Surprise fills me when I see Chad approaching. The moon shines down on him, lighting him up and highlighting the worried expression on his face.

This is the first weekend since we entered this arrangement that we’ve seen each other on both days.

I don’t have to ask if he tracked me here. It’s the only way anyone would know I was in this particular location.

“You know, this is getting tiresome. You can’t keep doing this to me,” I scuff, staring at him as he comes closer.

“You think it’s safe to be out here by yourself, practically in the wilderness?”

“It’s not the wilderness.”

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