Page 37 of As You Ice It

I realize I’m clenching my fists and slowly release them, taking deep breaths and trying to focus on the game. A fight breaks out behind the net, and it’s enough to distract Mike from the subject of my family.

Another thing he doesn’t remember: the way my parents had not one but two surprise babies after I left. Twin daughters. Sarah and Elizabeth were premature and required a lot of extra work the first year. I didn’t feel jealous or upset when my parents stopped traveling to any of my games. I understood.

But then their weekly calls and texts became sporadic and slowed almost to a stop. When I went home to meet my sisters for the first time, I felt like an outsider. The guest room became the nursery, which meant my room was now the guest room. And because my parents had packed my things and put them in the attic, Ifeltlike a guest in it.

And as excited as I was to meet my sisters, it didn’t go as expected. I didn’t know the first thing about babies, and Sarah and Elizabeth screamed whenever I tried to hold them or feed them. I didn’t have the emotional connection with them I expected. I didn’t have any connection at all, really. With my parents consumed by feedings and naps and diaper changes, I was sort of left to fend for myself.

It's not that I wanted everything to be all about me. But I no longer felt like I belonged in my own home—or in my family.

So, I left early and went back to Mike and the Bells.

I had a brief rough patch after that where I let this get in my head. I became a bit of a punk on and off the ice. It was Mike who talked sense into me, the way I hoped to do with that kid who picked on Liam.

Whenever I went back home to visit, it felt less and less like home each time. I don’t blame my sisters—how could I?—or even my mom and dad. Not really. It felt inevitable, the growing apart. Their world had been completely flipped upside down with unexpected joy. It was more than a new season—it was a new start. One that happened without me.

I could see the guilt on my parents’ faces every time they looked at me. So … I came home less and less. And then I found myself turning down an offer to play for Wisconsin, two hours from home, and saying yes to the University of Maine instead.

The gap between my family and me continued to widen, and it was Mike who flew out to see me play. Mike who checked up on me weekly. My parents and I became blood-related strangers who exchanged awkward holiday and birthday phone calls none of us enjoyed. I’m not sure I’d recognize my sisters if they passed by me on the street.

So being reminded of my family, especially as Mike probably thinks of them in his time-capsule mind, is not what I need tonight.

Is my avoidance healthy? Not particularly. But it’s how I’ve managed to live through what feels like losing my parents or being lost by them.

We finish the game, which thankfully didn’t have much time left. It’s a good one for Mike since the Leafs pull out a win. He goes to bed happy and thankfully doesn’t ask me tonight where Debbie is. I hate having to pretend his family is still together almost as much as I hate him asking about mine.

Once I hear his deep snores, I hop into bed and check my phone. I haven’t so much as looked at it since I walked in the door. Not surprisingly, the Dream Team group chat has been popping. I hesitate, my thumbs hovering over the keyboard.

After my teammates pointed out how closed off I am, I’ve been looking for an opportunity to change that. Now seems as good a time as any, when I could actually use some advice.

Camden:Hey

Not the most illustrious or creative start, but it’s something. And it’s immediately met by an avalanche of responses.

Finally, I feel the tension start to leak from my body.

Van:Well well well look who learned how to text

Eli:CAMMIE! LET’S GO!

Felix:Hey, Cam. Everything okay? Because you’re actually participating in the group chat.

Logan:Shh! Don’t scare him off. Be cool.

Camden:Ha ha

Nathan:Hey

Nathan:Is that cool enough?

Alec:I was sleeping but you’re texting so I got up.

Felix:Old man.

Alec:Guilty as charged. So, what’s up, Cam?

Van:Are you having some kind of emergency

Eli:IS ANYTHING ON FIRE

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