Page 45 of Age of Shade

Okay, then.

My tears are still falling, but as I huddle in the corner of the couch, I can’t help thinking thatmaybethis isn’t totally hopeless. Asher seems to be working through this in his own way, and apparently he just wants me to sit here and watch him do it. Fair enough. I got us into this mess and, exhausted or not, I’ll sit here all night if it means I won’t lose him over it.

At some point, Asher seems to become aware of the note I left. He pauses in front of his desk, staring at it, before setting off again.

After at least fifteen minutes of continuous pacing, I’m practically bursting with the need to say something. I’m not even crying anymore, but the brand-new wound inside me throbs painfully. Even though he hasn’t thrown me out, that doesn’t mean he wants to work this out or that he’ll ever forgive me. I should be grateful that I might not lose my place to live, but I think curling up on this couch again after knowing what it’s like to sleep in Asher’s arms—knowing he doesn’t want me anymore and is counting down the days until I graduate and leave—would be a special kind of torture.

I’m just working up the nerve to say something when, out of nowhere, he stops again, eyes on the folded note. I hadn’t written it for him to read, but it’s proof at least that I’ve wanted to tell him, that Iplannedto tell him. For a moment, I think he’s just going to stare at it again, but my heart leaps into my throat when he picks it up.

He doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way, but slowly Asher begins to unfold the note.

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so helpless. My whole heart is poured onto that one page of ripped notebook paper. The way I feel about him, the way I’vealwaysfelt about him, the reasons why I didn’t tell him sooner, and what I want for our future—it’s all there.

Asher’s eyes fly back and forth over the note, his brow furrowed and mouth set into a flat line. Once or twice, I see him stop and close his eyes like he needs to steady himself before beginning again. It’s torture, sitting here and watching as he decides whether all of it is good enough. There are other things I should have said. Maybe if I’d used different words, explained differently…

My mouth goes dry when, finally, Asher’s hand falls. The note drops back onto his desk, and the unearthly stillness and quiet of the empty practice presses in on us. He turns to me,lifting his eyes to meet mine, andI don’t know what to do. I have no idea how to make up with someone, or repair a relationship I’ve fucked up, or even break this awful, everlasting silence.

“I understand why you didn’t tell me.”

What?

I make a quiet, helpless noise of shocked disbelief, gazing up at him through wide eyes. Since I walked into this room, a million horrible possibilities of how this could end have gone through my mind, and none of them involved Asher calmly accepting what I’d done. I’m utterly unprepared, and now that it finally seems like it’s okay for me to speak, I’m lost for words.

Asher rakes a hand through his hair, throat bobbing. “I know that you trust me—that you love me—but given your history, how could I have expected you to risk the security you have here?” His voice is quiet and sad as he gestures vaguely at the room we’re in. “To be honest, I have no idea what I would have done if I was in your position.”

Tears blur my vision. I try to speak again, but the words are nowhere to be found. This can’t actually be happening, can it? He can’t just… forgive me?

Like he knows what I’m thinking, the corner of Asher’s lips lift in a pained, humorless smile. “Did you actually believe I would throw you out?”

My throat tightens, becauseyeah, I kind of did. “I’m used to being alone. I’ve never had...people.” My voice is hollow. “I didn’t know.”

Asher’s shoulders sag, and he moves toward me, finally stopping just before me. He sinks to his knees at my feet, and I think my heart might be breaking for a whole different reason now as he takes my hands in his. “Listen to me,” he murmurs gently. “I’m not going anywhere.Ever, Adina. This is it for me. You are the hardest working, kindest, most beautiful person I’ve ever known. I am in awe of you every single day, and beingthe first person to love you the way you deserve is the greatest privilege of my life.”

I break.

One moment I’m staring at him, hope and shame brimming inside me, and the next I’m sobbing.

Asher holds me close, his lips pressed to my temple and big hand stroking reassuringly up and down my spine. “I’m sorry,” I blubber over and over again, but he just shakes his head.

“We’re going to be alright, angel.” He gathers my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his eyes. I must look horrible, my eyes shadowed with exhaustion and shining with tears, but he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. “I do have some requests. Three, actually.”

I’m nodding before he finishes the sentence. “Anything.” It’s true. I would do anything for this man, and I’m not afraid of feeling that way anymore.

Thumbs swipe over my cheeks, wiping away the remaining tears, and Asher smiles gently at me. “Firstly, you’re going to move in with me.Tonight. I can’t stomach the thought of you sleeping on this fucking couch one more time.”

For all he said about this being a request, it sure sounds like demand. It seems stupid to say no when Iwantthat. My head bobs up and down in silent agreement, and some of the tension seems to bleed from Asher’s shoulders.

“Secondly”—he throws me a warning look that suggests this next request won’t be so easy for me to to accept—“you won’t clean this office anymore. The coffee shop I can stomach—barely—but I won’t have you on your hands and knees scrubbing the fucking toilets after all you do during the day.”

I swallow, wracking my brain for how I could possibly make this work with my already razor-thin budget. My expenses are fairly low, especially now that I won’t have books and school fees to pay for, and if I’m going to be living with Asher, I wouldn’thave to keep saving for an apartment. “How much is half the rent at your apartment?” I ask quietly, even though it seems like such a stupid thing to be asking after such an emotional night.

Asher scowls. “You’re not paying rent, Adina.” He sounds appalled that I even suggested it. “I’m not going to ask you to give up a free place to live, then expect hundreds of extra dollars a month out of you for rent.” Hundreds seems pretty generous, considering the city we live in. Even Asher’s apartment, which is small and not in the best neighborhood, must cost thousands.

I bite my lip. “I don’t want to take advantage—”

“You’renot,” he bites out impatiently, his hands holding my face a little tighter. “I want to take care of you, and more than that, I want you to feel safe. Tomorrow morning, I’ll call the landlord and make sure your name is added to the lease. If it makes you happy, you can start paying rent when you graduate.”

How could he know how badly I’ve needed that security?

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