Page 83 of Give Me a Shot

“Your doctor wants to be thorough, and that’s a problem?” she asked.

Jess rolled her eyes.

“I didn’t say that it was a problem. It’s just…it’s a waste of time. Clearly, I’m fine. The aches and pains will go away on their own.”

Steph let out an expansive sigh.

“Do I love you, Jess?” she asked.

The exasperation in her tone tarnished the content of her question.

“Um…yeah…” Jess said, glancing between her friends on the screen. Alice looked as confused as Jess was, but Stephanie’s face was hidden, her forehead supported by her palm as her elbow rested on her table. Jess couldn’t read her.

“Good,” Stephanie said. “Keep that in mind for the next thing I’m about to say.”

Jess braced herself.

“How…how can a woman as intelligent and analytical and educated as you are be so fucking clueless?” she asked, raising her head and looking into the camera. A much sharper whip of pain sliced through Jess, her eyes watering a little.

“Steph,” Alice said. “That’s—”

“Lemme finish, Al,” Stephanie said. “I love you; I adore you, Jess. You’re awesome and tough and I respect you so much that I want to be you when I grow up. But we have been sitting here watching you trying to manage physical pain. Pain that you said had abated and just now flared up after talking to your mother. Al, correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s been a pattern. She’s talked to her mom, or she’s had some reason to think about Cassie, and right afterward, pain.”

“I don’t…” Alice glanced to the side, then back at the screen. “Actually, you’re right, Steph. Jess, you’ve almost always mentioned pain or looked like you were in pain when your family has come up.”

Jess didn’t know about all that. There were plenty of times when the pain just was. It was there, existing, heavy and cumbersome, requiring her to spend energy on pushing through to accomplish whatever task was in front of her. She told them so, fighting off a growing tightness in her chest.

“Huh,” Stephanie said. “Kind of like grief.”

In a heartbeat, Jess’s bedroom became a vacuum. Air was hard to catch. Her head ached. Steinem caught Jess’s eye, stretching up from the floor to place his front paws on the edge of his bed. His mouth opened, but Jess couldn’t hear if he meowed because of the metallic buzzing in her ears.

“…did you?” Stephanie said.

“I’m sorry?” Jess asked.

“You didn’t tell the doctor about Cassie, did you?” she asked.

Jess couldn’t say anything at first. She folded her arms across herself, squeezing tight.

“Oh, Jess.” Alice sighed. “Why not? Her job is to help you. She can’t do that if you keep things from her.”

“What on earth could my sister—” Jess tried to catch her breath; it was too shallow and too fast. Her skin was burning, her voice louder than she’d intended. The growing, jagged confusion of frustration and anger exploding inside her kept her from reining herself in. “What could my very muchnot alivesister have to do with my very muchalive,painful body?” she shouted.

“Everything!” Steph shouted back. “She has everything to do with it because you are refusing to grieve her.” Stephanie’s voice broke. The tears running down her face made Jess’s heart drop, slowing her rapid breathing and deflating her frustration and anger.

“Steph?” It wasn’t until she tried to speak that Jess felt the tears on her own face. “Steph?” she repeated, pushing down a sob.

“I’m sorry,” Stephanie said, sniffing hard and wiping away her tears. “I’m just…I’m scared for you, babe. I’m so far away. We both are. We can’t hug you. We can’t shake you. We can’t…we can’t help.” She wiped another tear.

Jess’s breath stuttered. The screen was completely blurry, and she blinked fast so she could see her friends.

“Youarehelping,” she croaked out. A sniff from Alice made Jess realize she was crying, too. “Al, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you all. I just…I…I’ve already grieved for Cassie, I cried. So it’s done. It can’t be impacting my body now.”

Stephanie glared but didn’t say anything.

“Jess,” Alice said softly. “She was your sister. You’re never going to be done grieving.”

The shaking started. A deep, violent trembling through her whole body. Adrenaline zagged through Jess as she remembered the only other time she’d experienced shaking like that—the moment her mom had called to tell her that Cassie was gone. She knew what was coming next, the fast, disorienting fall into anguish. She clung to the comforter, willing herself not to fall again as her tears flowed.

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