Page 22 of Demise

I’ve dreamed about it. Nightmares, where I’ve woken up screaming. Sweat covered and shaking. I’ve had so many different scenarios. Carson caught my arm and got the gun. He shot Danny and then shot me. He raped me and made Danny watch. He stabbed Danny and killed him on the spot. So many dreadful scenarios.

And then there were the good ones.

The ones where we got out and we were perfectly fine, and we ended up in one another’s arms, twisted and breathing heavy.

I’d woken up during those sweat covered and shaking also. No screaming, though. At least not in terror.

I look over at him. “I’m sorry I haven’t called.”

He looks at me for a moment, studying me in my homely state, and then he turns his head to stare at the floor.

“What would you have said?”

“Hmm?”

“If you’d called, what would you have said to me?”

I copy him and gaze at the floor, too. I shrug. “I don’t know.” It’s the truth. I’m clueless as to what I would have said to him.How are you? Healing up okay? What did they do with Carson’s body?

I roll my eyes inwardly. My fingers go to my wedding band. Danny takes notice of my fidgeting and what I’m fidgeting with.

His eyes go back to the floor. “You going to take that off?” he asks me.

“I guess I probably should one day.”

“You never should have put it on.”

I jerk my head, my heart rate accelerating. “Don’t fucking do that.”

“What?” he says. “Don’t do what?”

“Don’t come inhishouse and talk like that. He was my husband. This was our home. Don’t be disrespectful.”

He laughs without humor. “Disrespectful. He married the woman I love. You marriedmybrother. I think the disrespect came from the both of you, tenfold.”

“Are we always going to do this?” I ask. “Are we always going to have this same goddamn argument?” I rub the side of my temple, exasperated. “You chose the life you wanted to live. You got what you wanted.”

“I wanted you,” he says.

This time I laugh. “You had a great way of showing it.”

“You know I would have moved mountains if it would have made you happy.”

“Yeah, but I never wanted mountains moved, did I, Danny?”

He huffs, looking away, sneering. “No, I guess not.” He waves his hand. “You wanted all this.”

“And what is wrong with this?”

“It’s goddamn monotonous.”

“It’s called life. Boring everyday life. Some days were good, some days were bad, but that’s living, and we were happy.” I wipe at the tear on my face. “We were…” I choke and cover my face as tears rush out.

I’m heartbroken and tired. Tired of thinking, of feeling. Sick to death of the guilt I’ve felt for so long. I know I shouldn’t have marriedhisbrother. I didn’t plan to fall in love with Samuel; I didn’t plan any of this.

It just happened and we had a good life together. But now he’s dead and Danny is here again beside me, and he smells so good, and he’s so close, and still I can’t be with him because he made his choice and it wasn’t me.

It was never me.

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