Page 51 of Insurgent

One month three days missing

Talking to Danny like this seems like a daydream trapped inside of a nightmare. We didn’t speak a whole lot when we were first taken, because I had too much hate and hurt inside of me. He wanted to kiss me just now. He almost tried and I couldn’t do it. I can’t pretend like everything is okay. Samuel died.

You know you wanted him to, though.

Looking back on our life together has been a therapy session I didn’t know I needed until now.

I feel lighter for it, and I hope he does, too.

I lied to Danny, though, when I told him it just didn’t feel like the right time to have a baby with Samuel. It’s something that I couldn’t admit before, but now that Samuel’s gone and my life has changed and might end soon, I can let the truth come out.

I’ve always wanted Danny’s babies, even when I knew that wasn’t possible. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve asked God to forgive me more times than I care to admit for my feelings for Danny. What a life, huh? Married to one brother while longing for the other.

And he knew.

Samuel knew.

Danny stands by the window, his shoulders tense. “I’m sorry,” I say.

He turns to look at me. “I want to kiss you. I want to feel you. I can’t fucking stand being alone with you and not touching you.”

I swallow.

“And I’mnotsorry,” he says.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Bexley

2019

(Sunday)

I shut the truck door and Samuel holds the gate open for me after he walks through. We didn’t talk on the way home. We’re about to fight, and after what happened with Danny, I’ve got the energy. I can’t believe he said that to me.

“Have you ever told him?” he asks. “Our little secret? Does my brother know that you knew I burnt a man alive, and yet you still gave me everything?”

God, he has no idea how angry he makes me. What would Samuel think of me if he knew that I knew how evil Danny could be, and yet I still chose to be with him? I don’t know if he’d understand. I mean, he knows I’m not clueless about what Danny does, but he has no idea how far back his brother’s sins go.

Samuel unlocks the door, and as soon as we both step inside, I turn to him.

“You know I married you, right?” I say to him, crossing my arms over my chest. “I picked you, would still pick you any day, but don’t you ever talk to me like I’m your little dog in front of your family again.”

“You mean in front of Danny?” he questions.

“I mean in front of any of them. What is this obsession with you thinking there’s something going on between your brother and me?” My voice is calm. “I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that.”

He looks to the floor and exhales. “I know. I just wonder sometimes if I make you happy enough. You’re different when he’s around. Your demeanor changes instantly like you’re hyperaware of him.” He looks back at me. “I’m envious of the way you look at him.”

Crystal is pretty, but it shatters.

And that’s exactly what my heart does.

My knees grow weak, my soul cries.

What have I done?

I feel the shake in my fingers, the ache in my chest.

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