Page 77 of Give Me Redemption

It still kills me.

“What were the files and shit about that night?” I decide to go for it.

She grabs the bottle and pours herself one. I sigh internally. She isn’t going to talk about it, but at least she didn’t freeze up.

“How did they die?” she asks.

“We were attacked,” I reply. “Why won’t you open up to me?”

“It’s not you. It’s me.”

I almost saywhat the hell does that mean, but I’d be breaking the rules again.

“Were you the only one who made it?”

“Yes,” I reply. “All of my brothers died, and I made it” My turn again. “What do you mean by it’s not you, it’s me?”

“My life is very busy. I don’t have time to get to know people outside of my work. So, this is new to me. Why did you leave the Army?” she asks.

How is her life busy? What the fuck does she do that takes up so much of her time?

“It was time,” I say. “Are you really a librarian?”

“Yes,” she answers, and I don’t know why, but I don’t believe her. “Do you miss the Army?”

“Every day.” I take a sip of my beer. “I know that’s odd, but I felt like I had a purpose there, ya know? Like my life was worth something.”

“I don’t think that’s odd. I get it.”

“How do you get it?” I ask.

She shrugs. “We all need something in life to make us feel…wanted, useful. I get why you’d want that.”

She plays with the label on her bottle. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive your mom?”

I shake my head. “I don’t have an answer for that. She’s been doing really well, but it doesn’t change what she did, how she was. Maybe one day I will.” I look out the window. The moon shines in through it, casting a glow across the floor. “When’s the last time you were in a serious relationship?”

She laughs. “That would be never.”

“Seriously? How?”

“Oh my God. That’s two shots back-to-back,” she says.

I roll my eyes, lift the bottle, and quickly throw back two shots. I blow out. “Okay.” I shake my head. “Jesus.”

She laughs and takes a drink from her beer. “Have you ever had a serious relationship?”

“I haven’t had time. I dated some in school, but it was never anything serious. I left for the Army at eighteen, and when I did come home, I wasn’t looking to settle. Besides, it’s rough on the people back at home, worrying constantly. I saw my boys and how much they missed their wives and families. I didn’t want to deal with that shit.” I exhale, thinking about Rocket’s wife. I never got to meet her or his family. We were all so close and yet, we never got to meet each other’s families. “Why haven’t you ever had a serious relationship?”

“Never liked anyone enough, I guess.” All of her answers are short and to the point. She reveals only a little, just enough for me to grasp onto, but not enough to satisfy. It’s like having a taste of your favorite food, but not being able to eat the whole thing.

“You sleeping with anyone now?” she asks, looking bashful, which is cute.

I shrug. “Here and there. That guy Malcolm—you and him sleeping together?”

“Not anymore.”

“So, you were? And before you say it, I’m not taking another shot.”

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