Page 50 of Give Me Forever Love

I put it aside, but I woke up to use the bathroom, and like regret, it chiseled into my mind and wouldn’t cease. So, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and grabbed the letter before quietly slipping from the bedroom, leaving my guy sleeping facedown surrounded by pillows.

I made coffee, and as it brewed, I took a seat at the island and slid my finger across the seam of the envelope. With slightly shaking fingers and my heart bracing itself for pain, I unfolded it and read the words Bethany wrote just for me.

Kathrine,

Words don’t come easy as I write this. In fact, I’ve written that one sentence and left this letter sitting on the kitchen table for days. I realize, you want nothing to do with me. I realize I deserve that.

When I think back on those years in that house, a heavy dose of regret lowers me to my knees until I’m nothing but balled fists and tears of shame. I left you there with a man I knew was bad. I have no excuse, I’m not even going to say I’m sorry, because that word just doesn’t suffice.

I was sick for days after you told me the things he did to you, Mentally and physically.

I still am.

The truth is, I’d give up forever to change the way things were for you. I’d give up my own life to go back and do things differently.

I was poor. I was messed up. I couldn’t take a child along with me. I bounced around for a long time before I finally got my shit together. And then I didn’t know how to come back and get you.

I guess I could have just come back.

I should have just come back.

Life has not been kind to me. I’m eaten up with grief. And right now, the pills I’ve consumed are dissolving, ready to end it all.

I guess I’m writing you this because I want you to know who I am before I breathe my last breath.

I’ve missed you every day.

I was happy one time. I was.

Mills was my happy and having you was my happy, but then I ruined it all and I can no longer live with the way that makes me feel.

It’s too heavy. It’s all too heavy.

I see you found your happy. Don’t ever let it go.

I love you. And… I am sorry.

Live because tomorrow isn’t promised. Love with no regrets and please forgive me, for it will only set you free.

-Your mom

I sobbed uncontrollably after I read the letter resting in my pocket. After all this time, she still hurts me. Why do we love the ones who toss us away? Why do we search for their approval the most? It makes no fucking sense. We don’t want to be that way; we don’t get pleasure out of chasing hurt and disappointment, and yet we do it anyway.

All I ever wanted was for her to come back. That’s all I wished for and she didn’t. I want to be over this. I want to move on with my life.

I want it so bad.

And for some reason, I can’t do it. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I tell myself it’s a pointless waste of time. I should have gotten help a long time ago. I should have talked to someone about this mess, but I was never good at that.

I was raped, abused mentally and physically. My own mother abandoned me, and I’ve never spoken about it until Bryce. I’m not sure if or when I would have told him, if he didn’t follow me to my hometown. I shake my head and massage my temples.

Why would she write the suicide in the letter?

Why the hell would she put that in my mind to think about? She told me she loved me. What a load of crap.

Love doesn’t leave.

Love doesn’t constantly hurt.

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