Page 56 of Close to Falling

“It’s going to be okay.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Because it is.”

“I don’t know,” he says, putting his face in his hands. I get up and sit beside him, wrapping my arm around his shoulders,and lean my head against his.“What will we do?”

“We will make it because that’s what we do. We make it,” I tell him. “We’re foster kids. We know what a bad hand looks like. No matter what we are dealt, we push through.”

***

Time ticks by as the doctors and nurses work on Frankie’s heart. The walls are closing in on me, and I don’t think I can look at this carpet anymore.

“I’ve got to go outside,” I say to Landon and Sarah. I get up and walk out. My feet are heavy, and my bones feel tired. Stress weighs heavy on my heart, and I’m sick of waiting. I make my way past the ugly pictures of flowers in pink or blue vases, and I give a courtesy smile to the receptionist as I walk by. The doors slide open, and I walk through another set before my feet touch concrete. A light rain shower is falling from the sky, making my mood worse. I slow my steps when I see River sitting on a covered bench. His elbows rest on his knees while his face looks at the ground.

There was a time I dreamed of seeing him sitting not too far from me. Daydreams of him and me together, happy and in love. Carefree, fun love. The kind that settles down deep inside of you and you couldn’t fathom hurting it. No matter what happened in life, you would never betray that love. Because without it, who are you? You look for a replacement, but no such thing exists. That kind of love is only held for one person, and mine is sitting not too far from me. I’m no longer dreaming, but it’s a sweet nightmare, because the man I love like a father is chest open in the operating room, fighting for his life.

Even the weightless feeling of love can’t make this situation better, but regardless, I want to sit beside him, if only for a little while. My feet move, and I make my way over to River. He looks up as I come near, and I look into his eyes. He’s sad, tired, and ready to shut down. I sit down beside him and rest my elbows on my knees, too.

“Frankie and my Pops were good friends once,” he says. I turn to look at him. “The whole reason I ended up there was a favor to my dad.”

As he says this, I remember Frankie saying,“Taking River in was just something…”He didn’t finish his sentence that day, and I think this is what he was not saying.

“I grew up around shit a kid shouldn’t grow up around, B,” River continues, drawing me back in. “I saw things I shouldn’t have. Nothing was kept a secret. When my dad got sent off to prison, I was pissed at the world. He left me, and I had to leave the comfort of what I’d always known even though it wasn’t good. Frankie saved me. I know I did some dumb shit, but I’d have done a lot more if it wasn’t for that man in there.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Some things you just keep to yourself.” I nod and look at the ground. We sit in silence for a while. It’s comfortable, it’s River, and it’s home.

***

We’re all back in the waiting room drinking coffee and staring at the walls when the doctor finally walks in. I stand, and so does everyone else.

“How is he?” I ask, wide-eyed. The doctor looks among all of us. Tiny wrinkles form on the outside of his eyes as he narrows them. I know what’s coming.

“We did everything we could. His heart was just too damaged.”

Landon lets out a sob, and River punches the wall before he snatches the door open and walks out. Sarah grabs Landon, making him sit while I stand motionless. It’s funny how life can change so quickly. One minute I’m having a glass of wine on my patio, the next I’m in a waiting room, devastated.

“I’m so sorry,” the doctor tells us. “I’ll give you all some space.” He walks away, and I stare at the door as it closes behind him. Hearing Landon cry is foreign to me. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before. I look over at my brother and sister.

“Sarah, can you—?”

“I’ve got it, B. Go home,” she says. I nod and turn to leave.

“Maddie,” Landon calls after me, and I turn back around. He stands and walks over to me. Wrapping me in a hug, he whispers into my ear,“Go check on River and don’t fall down.” He kisses my cheek, and I walk out.

***

Big drops of rain are falling outside now, and thunder bombs somewhere in the distance. I walk to my car, not caring that I’m getting soaked. I open the door and sit down. Silence surrounds me when I shut the door, and I’m completely alone.

“Thanks for the honey.”

“Who are you calling an old man?”

“There’s a lot of things we shouldn’t do, isn’t there?”

“Nothing’s worse than a bad handshake. You three remember that. Hold someone’s hand firmly like you mean it.”

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