Page 65 of Close to Falling

“Hey,” I say.

“What are you drawing?” he asks me.

“Oh, just this and that,” I reply. “Did you have a good day?”

“Better than yesterday. Remember when I was telling you about my girlfriend Penny?”

“Yeah,” I say, trying not to smile because it’s funny hearing a kid talk about having a girlfriend. Fisher comes in here every day after school, and I really love spending time with him. His mom passed away at childbirth, and he was put in the system until Rozz got out of prison and could get him back. I feel connected to him because I had to go through the same thing, except poor Fisher here didn’t even get to know his mom. He’s a sweet kid and damn good on a skateboard, and I only know that because Landon has told him several times.

“So, she tells me she doesn’t want to break up anymore, and that we can be boyfriend and girlfriend again,” he says, twirling a piece of charcoal in his hand. His long hair is windblown, and he moves it out of his face after putting down the charcoal.

“I think Penny is a little fickle,” I tell him as I put a stray hair behind his ear he missed.

“What’s fickle mean?” he asks, looking sideways.

“She’s wishy-washy. Can’t make up her mind. She’s also crazy ’cause I’m sure you’re the best looking boy in school.” I smile.

“Ah, I wouldn’t say that.” He puts his board down and jumps on it. His cute cheeks turn pink, and I grin.

“Not in here,” Rozz says to him.

“I’m going to go ride,” Fisher tells me.

“Be safe,” I say as I watch him kick his foot off the ground. “’Sup River?” he says before he disappears outside. I watch River as he watches Fisher, seeing adoration on his handsome face.

***

I’m late. Like really late. I’ve been putting this off for a few weeks now, but I can’t anymore so I sit in my car outside the drugstore and take a deep breath. “Just go in there already, Maddie,” I talk myself up. “If you are, you are.” I bite my lip, and I can’t help the excitement that bubbles up inside my stomach. “If I am, I am.”A little River, I think to myself.Or a littleme. I’m full-blown smiling now, and I open the car door and walk in.

***

I lean against the bathroom counter, nail chewing and heart pounding, waiting on time to hurry the hell up. I keep looking down at the test, waiting for it to tell me an answer. Pregnant or not pregnant? This is one of the most terrifying, exciting moments of my life. I’ve had a little bit of both over the years, but this tops it all. I grab the countertop and look down at the floor. A baby. A baby with River. As quickly as my heart lifts at that thought, it sinks as another one passes through my mind. I’m an addict. How can I be sure my addiction won’t show up during my pregnancy? How can I be sure the cravings won’t get bad and I won’t want to use?

“You don’t know anything yet, Maddie. Stop thinking negative.” I sigh and look over at the test. “Here goes,” I say, lifting it up, and like a magical crystal ball, it tells me what my future holds.

***

Love sits in his favorite chair watching TV while I cook his favorite meal—spaghetti. Life is cool and easy for us these days, and I smile when River gets mad at the football game. I think of Frankie and his sports and get a little sad, but I know he would love that his kids are still a family. We sit down at the table together, and I drink a glass of lemon water while River sips on a beer.

“It's good, baby,” he says after taking a mouthful of food.

“Thanks,” I reply, but there’s something weighing on my mind, and I need to tell him. “River.” I bite my lip because I’m nervous.

“Yeah?” he says, looking over at me.

“I’m pregnant.”

His fork clinks against his plate when he drops it, and he scans my face. I guess to see if I’m kidding, but there is no smile on my lips.

“Seriously?” he asks, open-mouthed and slightly tilted head.

“Well, I’ve taken three tests that tell me so, but I go to the doctor this week to see for sure. I honestly didn’t think I could get pregnant. I mean, we have been having unprotected sex since we were how old? Nothing ever happened, which thank God because we were too young and so stupid. You’re the only one I ever did that with. Everyone else, well, I was smarter, but I guess I lose my head with you, and now…here we are.” As I’m rambling, River stands up and leans down in front of me.

“Shut up,” he says, smiling.

“Sorry,” I mumble. “Are you happy about this?” I ask, looking unsure.

“Are you for real?”

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