Page 63 of Close to Falling

“I don’t know.”

I watch him walk up the steps and take the bags from my hands before he unlocks the door.

“Go in,” he says, so I do. I follow him up and into his apartment. He puts the bags down while I stand nervous, not sure of what is going to happen or what I want to happen. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.”

“Want something to drink?” he asks me.

“No.”

“Something to eat then?”

“No.”

He leans back against the counter and looks me over. “Well, what do you want, Maddie?”

“You,” I say, and it feels so good to finally be honest. “Look, River,” I say, looking at him. “I know I’m messed up. I know I’m probably going to mess this up, and I can’t lie to you and say I’m always going to be clean, that we will never have to go through this again. I’m an addict, but I love you. I love you more than anything, baby.” He tries not to smile, but I see the lift in his lips. “I just need you to know what you’ve got here. I need you to know who I am.”

“You don’t think I know you?” he asks. “You think because we have been apart for nine years that I still don’t know everything about you? That when you are tired, you stretch your arms out in front of you. When you get anxious, you bite your nails. When you lie, you look away before you look back. I know everything, B.” He leans his hip against the counter. I bite my lip to keep from smiling. “Are you going to stand there all night, or are you going to come over here and kiss me? I’ve missed everything about you, baby, but your lips are the thing I’ve missed the most,” he says, and I smile before I rush over to him.

Our lips touch, and like always, it's heaven, it's hell, it’s my River Dawson. I open my mouth, and his teeth graze my bottom lip before his tongue enters and tangles with mine. His hands remove my coat and scarf before he lifts me up and takes me back to his room. I run my hands over his soft, short hair and breathe in because I want everything—his smell, his taste. Anything I can get, I want it. He puts me on the bed before he removes his coat and kicks his boots off. I’m soaked with need and shaking because it’s been too long.

He lifts his shirt, and I can’t stop staring at his beauty. He crawls between my legs and takes my lips again, kissing me like he never has before. He pulls back and looks at me. “You’re so stubborn, B. I love you so much. Do you have any idea?” he says, searching my eyes. “Tell me,” he demands as he tugs on my hair.

“I love you, River. I always have.” I run my hand along his face. His crawls up my shirt, and he pulls it up and over my head. As he looks down at my bra, his face lights up.

“You’ve changed,” he says. “I can’t just be your friend, Maddie.” He looks over my face.

“I know. It was the dumbest idea.”

“It really was,” he says, smiling. He presses into me, and I moan.

“Show me,” I tell him. “Show me how good we are together.” His face grows serious, and I see old-time feelings again.

I love old-time feelings. I reach down and unbutton my jeans. He helps me out of them before we remove his, too. He kisses me again, and I’m flying high when his hand ventures down to a place he hasn’t touched in far too long. His fingers enter me, and I cry out. It’s the sweetest cry, and tears leak from my eyes because I’ve dreamed of this a thousand times. Fingertips curl, and lips kiss and suck. My mind lets go of everything, and all I think about is River.

He removes his hand and grazes his teeth along my neck before he slides in. We still and look at each other. My face is wet from tears, and he searches my eyes as he begins to move slowly. Hearts bleed for each other, and I run my fingers down his back and dig my heels into the mattress. My hands fall off him, and I grip his covers, loving the fact I am finally in his bed again. He licks my tears and tells me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. Sweet lips capture my moans when I come, and he pulls my arms up over my head and keeps moving.

“Did anyone else make you feel this way, B?” His voice is husky as he holds my hands.

“No,” I tell him. “Never.”

“Why do you fight me?” he asks, pushing harder and faster.

“Because we fight,” I groan as he hits me over and over in the sweetest spot.

“We can’t go back after this.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“I mean it this time, baby. You’re it for me.” His words feed my body, pumping blood through my aorta and fueling my heart. My legs shake, and I lift my feet, linking my ankles behind his back, feeling his muscles shift as he drives on. I can tell he doesn’t want this to end, and I don’t either. He leans and pushes my bra cup down, revealing my heavy breast. His teeth graze my nipple, and he bites, sending sweet pain through my nerves. He reaches around and unhooks it, sliding the straps down my arms and kissing all over each breast. He’s all over me, and I can’t get enough. Will I ever get enough? We have been deprived of each other for too long. Too many years I’ve missed his touch. He’s needy and greedy, taking everything my body will give him, and I can’t close my eyes because I don’t want to miss anything. He sucks on my chest until I feel tiny blood vessels break and the swell of his cock inside me as he comes. I follow a second time, grasping his tattooed arms, and I swear I see stars.

***

Two months have passed, and River is in the process of moving in with me. We argue like crazy, and our relationship is not easy, but we love each other, and this time we won’t lose sight of that. I’m huffing and puffing as he brings in a big brown chair.

“River, that thing is ugly as hell. It goes with nothing in here.”

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