Page 61 of Close to Falling

“Yes, I can. I have before, and I will again.”

He shakes his head at me. “Have you spoken to Ellie about this?”

“No.”

“Why, B?”

“Because she doesn’t need to know. I’ll get clean, River.”

“You’re going to get sicker.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I ask. “I’ve done it twice before.” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

“You need help. I don’t know if I can watch you go through this.”

“I’m not asking you to stick around,” I tell him. He rolls his eyes.

“Fine. We’ll do it your way. Tell me where they all are.”

“What?”

“You know what. The pills. Where are they?” Anxiety blooms inside me, and I shake my head no. My fingernail goes to my lips, and I feel my heart start to pound.

“If you’re staying here, then you're going to tell me, or you can come stay at my house. Which is it?”

“They’re in the spice rack above the stove,” I say, knowing if I have to do this then I want to be home.

“Where else?” he asks, walking into the kitchen.

“That’s the only spot,” I lie, squeezing the throw that’s covering my legs. My eyes water, and I close them while trying to breathe through the stomach cramps. Shit, shit, shit. I hear the toilet flush, and my heart sinks. Lying back on the couch and bringing the blanket to my chin, I try to let sleep take over.

***

“I can’t do this,” I say, walking through the house in a panic. I go to all my usual hiding spots, flipping lamps and books over, searching behind furniture and in the back of picture frames. I don’t know if River knew I was lying about there only being one hiding place, but I’m praying he didn’t.

“What are you doing, B?” he asks, walking behind me.

“I’ve changed my mind. I can’t do this. I…I just need one. I need something to take the edge off. Just one and I’ll be good,” I say, walking into the kitchen.

“There won’t be anything there, B. I cleaned out this whole place last night when you were sleeping.”

I look back at him before my eyes look over at the dish rack. I grab a knife and open the cabinet. I search for the box of salt, looking all over until I see it and grab it. I set it down and poke a hole into the paper top. In my peripheral, I see River watching me as I dump the container upside down and let the salt spill onto the counter. I sift through it until I feel two pills, and before I can even think to put them into my mouth they are smacked out of my hand. River grabs them off the floor.

“No, you’re not doing this,” he says, moving away from me.

“River,” I call after him. I follow him as he walks into my room and then into the bathroom. “I really only need those two. I won’t take any more after that.” He drops them into the toilet, and I scream, “Why would you do that? Why won’t you listen to me?” I pull at my hair. Tears fall from my eyes, and I shake my head at him. “Get out,” I say, gritting my teeth. “Get out, River. I don’t want you here!” He doesn’t budge, only stands still, and it pisses me off. I walk over to him and shove him. “Get out,” I say over and over as I shove him more and more. He grabs my arms and stops me.

“Stop, B. Stop,” he says, holding on to me. I sink down.

“Just cut the ropes,” I cry. “Cut the ropes and let me fall.” I hit the floor, and he sinks, too. I hold him and sob until I fall asleep.

***

The bright sunlight wakes me, and I shiver from the fever that’s taken over. I rub my soaked from sweat hair out of my face and groan. River wakes from the couch.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey.”

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