Page 60 of Close to Falling

“So, what’s your poison? Cocaine, pills, Molly?”

“Pills.”

“Uppers or Downers?”

“Roxys,” I reply. He nods and makes a face like he didn’t see that coming, and then he reaches into his jacket and pulls out what I need.

***

I walk out of the bathroom feeling better and carefree, enjoying it while I can because I’ll feel guilty later. My nose still tingles from where I used, and my arms and legs feel amazing. I walk up to the bar and order a shot, wondering what River is up to and wishing he were the one here with me. But soon the drinks flow, the music runs through me, and the night presses on.

***

The weather has grown colder, and white snow covers the ground now. It’s dead winter, and I spend my time curled up watching movies or locked up in my studio. I’m trying to avoid everyone except Sarah because she doesn’t know the signs like my boys do. My sponsor has called, and I’m thinking Ellie had something to do with that. She asked how I’ve been. I lie to her, too. It’s gotten out of hand again, and I’m ready to quit. I think. I mean, I want to. I need to, but for today, I’m two pills in and life feels normal.

***

I’m walking through a hobby store downtown to pick up some supplies. I stare at the paintbrushes, thinking I’d like to try my hand at it.

“B?” I hear and turn around to see River.

“Hey,” I say, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He looks me over and narrows his eyes.

“How’ve you been?” he asks.

“Okay,” I answer. “You?”

“You don’t look okay.”

“Um…thanks,” I say, rolling my eyes. River walks closer to me and looks at my eyes. Shit. I look away and put the things in my hand down. “Good seeing you, River. Thanks for the insult.” I turn and walk away from him, heading out of the store, ready to make my way back home. Then I feel a warm hand around my arm and look back.

“Maddie, you’re using again,” he says. It’s not even a question.

“No, I’m fine.” I look around at the people passing by. “I’m just tired. I’ve been up most of the night working.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me, and don’t pretend like I’m stupid and don’t know the signs.”

“River, really, I’m good.”

“Bullshit,” he says. “And you’re covering it up. So, it’s bad again, isn’t it?” I look down and wring my hands. “Maddie,” River says.

“I only take one in the morning, River, and one at night. It’s just to keep the edge off. I’m okay. This is okay.”

“It’s not okay. It’s never going to be okay. You think the people who care about you are just going to say ‘sure, Maddie, if two a day can get you by, then what of it’?” I sigh, and my thumbnail goes to my mouth. His eyes go to my lips. “I’m not walking away from this.” He looks back up.

“So don’t,” I say, giving in because I need to stop using. I don’t want this problem.

“Then you’ll agree to get clean?”

“Yeah,” I finally admit. “I’ll try.” This is going to suck, and I’ll probably hate myself. I try not to let it, but tears fill my eyes and one slips out, because I’m going to be so sick, yet again. River grabs me in his arms, and I cry more.

“Come on, B. Let’s get you home.”

***

“I won’t go back to rehab,” I tell River. It’s been one day since I last used, and it’s showing in the shake of my hands and uneasiness in my stomach.

“Maddie, you need help. You can’t do this on your own.”

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