Page 59 of Close to Falling

“One night, River went crazy and threw a fit, breaking everything in his room. Frankie walked in there and slammed the door shut behind him. I thought River was going to get beaten because I didn’t know any different. My mom’s boyfriends hit me sometimes, so I thought it was normal. The door didn’t click shut when he slammed it. It sort of bounced back open a tad, and I peeked through the crack. River was fighting Frankie, but Frankie grabbed his arms and took him down to the floor. He was telling him something, and River was crying hysterically.

“Later, I found out it was because his father got sentenced to thirty years hard time. In River’s mind, he was going back home. Pops wasn’t going to get charged with whatever he did, and they would be back together, but that wasn’t the case. I don’t know how their relationship was before Pops went off to prison. I don’t believe it was all warm and cozy, though, but that’s all River knew, regardless of how Pops treated him.

“River hardly spoke to any of us for a long while after that, and then you came along,” he says, giving me a half-smile. “He changed. I think he has always loved you, and I regret how I acted all those years ago when you told me about the two of you.”

“You were concerned for me, Landon. Don’t regret that,” I say.

“Yeah.” He stares at a spot on the wall. “I guess my point is, don’t shut River out. He loves you more than his own life, I think. That kind of love is rare and shouldn’t be taken lightly. I know you love him, too, B, so stop wasting all this time. Be with each other. Don’t let our family die with Frankie.”

Chapter Twenty-Five

The days pass us by. We cremated Frankie and spread his ashes in the blue waters of Crystal Bay. The leaves outside change colors, and time presses forward. I walk a lot and pass by River’s shop all the time, but I don’t go in. We haven't spoken since the ceremony and the packing of Frankie’s house.

***

Dust particles from years of neglect fly in the air as the boys carry the last bit of things out of Frankie’s. Once they disappear, I slide a pill into my mouth and swallow. I climb the steps and look around at the empty rooms. Sighing, I lean against the wall. I must have zoned out because I jump when I hear my name being called.

“What are you doing, B?” River asks.

“Nothing,” I respond. He gives me an odd look, but I ignore it and walk into my old room, making sure I didn’t forget anything.

“You seem off. Everything okay?” He looks at me curiously.

“Everything’s fine,” I lie. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Nothing. Never mind,” I say, looking at the floor.

After a minute, I ask, “Everything loaded?”

He nods and slides his hands into his pockets. Rocking back on his heels, he bites his lip before he speaks. “You know, we’d get it if you were having a tough time with all of this. I mean, it would be understandable if you wanted to use again.”

“You think that’s what I want?” I narrow my eyes. My heart would be pounding, but the chemicals keep it calm.

“I’m just saying, B. This is hard.”

“Oh, so now you’re understanding?” I say.

“I’m not accusing you of anything. Chill.”

“Whatever. I’ve been clean for over nine years, River. I’m not thinking of going back,” I lie again and dart my eyes toward the hallway before looking back.

“Good,” he says.

“Good,” I repeat.

***

I finished yet another round of art, and the event goes smoothly. My habit is back in full form, and I need to find a dealer. I’m headed out with a guy I met a few weeks ago at a local bar. He isn’t the best looking, but I’m only going because I heard a guy was selling at the club we are going to. The place is crowded, and the guy I’m with is clingy. I search around for anyone making sneaky exchanges, and luck finds me as I spot him sitting at the far end of the bar, slipping something out of his pocket and into someone else’s hand. Jackpot.

“I’ll be right back,” I say to my date. I don’t wait for his reply as I walk to the end of the bar and squeeze in between some guy with gelled back hair and the dealer.

I see him look at me in my peripheral. “So I’m not sure if there is a secret code nowadays or whatever,” I say, looking over at him. He’s rough looking. Beard that needs trimming and clothes that look like they’re from the nineties.

“You looking for something?” he asks.

I nod my head yes. “Follow me.” He gets off the barstool, and I follow behind doing a quick check around me to make sure my date doesn’t see. I’d normally say don’t follow a complete stranger anywhere, but it is what it is. And when you need a fix, you do what you need to do to get it. The guy opens the bathroom door, and I walk inside.

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