Page 58 of Close to Falling

“River, that’s a stupid question.”

“Oh, is it? I’m sorry I didn’t realize.”

“Where is this attitude coming from?”

“It’s just one minute you’re all buddy-buddy with me, like we’re best fucking friends, and the next, things get too hard and you have to go. You gonna go now? Because I’d say this was up there with hard.”

“Fuck you,” I say, standing. “You have no right to act this way toward me.”

“Seriously?” he says. I run a frustrated hand over my face. “I was in prison for six years, Maddie. Six years of worrying about you. Six years of fighting and having to watch my back every minute. The Brothers had enemies, and because I was the president’s son, I was a target. You asked me what I did in there. I fought to stay alive so I could get out of that place and get right for us. I walked away from men who had my back so I could be clean when I came back for you. I did all of that, and you were out here what? Fucking casually dating?”

“Oh, I’m supposed to stop living my life because of your choices?”

“I made those choices to make a better life for us, B.”

“Bullshit. You did that for yourself. You wanted to feel like a macho man. You had to have money, even though I had enough to get us by. You let your pride ruin us.”

“Maybe so, B. Maybe I did, but at least I’m not a coward and I can admit that I still love you and want this.”

“All we do is fight. I’m so sick of fighting,” I say.

He laughs once. “You’re damn right. We fight, and I’d rather fight with you than get along with any other woman. Our relationship has never been boring, B. Why start now?” He stands.

“Our relationship is toxic.”

“Oh, bullshit. You’re in denial, Maddie B.”

“Where are you going?” I ask because I see his keys in his hand.

“What? You don’t recognize this?” he asks with a faint sarcastic smile on his face. “This isn’t what you do?” I stare at him, stoned-faced. He shakes his head. “I’m walking away.” And I watch him as he does. He hops into his truck and leaves. I wipe a stray tear away and close my eyes. Hardly anything in this life is easy, but the most complicated thing on this planet is love. Fucking love.

***

I walk back inside. Landon is up.

“River leave?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I say as I walk over to the coffeemaker.

“Want some?”

“Please,” he says.

I fix us both a cup and place his beside him. My mind is racing, and I grip the counter. Taking a sip of my coffee, I think about my upstairs bedroom and that drawer. One pill I had up there.Just one?I think to myself. Trying to recall my old hiding spots, I remember the floorboard by the closet. My eyes look over to Landon and the kitchen table. It’s full of memories, too, and I hate everything. I want to run until I can’t anymore. I want to run away from all the hurt, pain, and fucking madness that’s festering inside me. I could pull my damn hair out. That man makes me madder than anything on this planet.

“You okay?” my brother asks.

“No,” I reply, taking another sip of my coffee. “No, brother, I’m not. I’ll be right back.” I set my cup down. “I have to use the restroom.” He nods, and I run up the stairs. I walk into my room and go over to the floor by the closet. There’s a small hole in the wood, and I get on my knees before I hook my finger in it and pull the board up. A dusty clear bag comes into view, holding six or so pills. I stare down at the baggie and swallow. Sitting back on my ass, I look up at the ceiling and take a deep breath.What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?

“B, your phone is ringing!” Landon yells up to me.

“Coming,” I say as I scoop the bag up and put the board back. Sliding the baggie into my pocket, I walk out and shut the door behind me.

***

I grab my coffee and sit down beside Landon after I get off my phone. “That was the hospital. We have to make arrangements,” I say with a heavy exhale before I take a sip of my coffee. He nods and reaches for my hand, squeezing it before he lets go and taking a drink of his coffee.

“You know I came from shit, B,” he says after a moment and grabs my attention. “I’ve told you and River stories about life before Frankie, before the two of you. My mom never had time for me. Her number one priority was getting her next fix. I remember wishing something would happen, something just bad enough to scare her and make her want to be better and change, because obviously I wasn’t a good enough reason. She overdosed, and that still didn’t change anything. I never felt wanted around her. I never felt wanted until I came here. River was already here. We were just ten years old at the time. He was always getting into trouble at Frankie’s and everywhere else. I was too scared to do anything wrong because I didn’t want to be taken to a different home, but River had this fuck everything attitude. Hard shell on the outside, but I saw Frankie tear his walls down. I saw it happen.

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