Page 57 of Close to Falling

“Be careful.”

Frankie’s words flow through my memories, and finally a tear falls. I choke as the fucking damn breaks. The rain comes down harder, giving me complete privacy as I sob uncontrollably.

“Don’t fall down.”

“Don’t fall down,” I mumble to myself. I grip the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white and my vision blurry. Frankie will forever be inside my heart and so will white T-shirts, honey, and beer. I crank my car, turn my windshield wipers on, and drive away.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Nothing has changed. The house still looks the same. I sit in my car staring at the old house of childhood memories. I’ve been parked here for several minutes just looking. So many things happened in this house. So many things, and now Frankie is gone. Tears fall down my cheeks, and I cover my mouth as more sobs come out. I open my car door and walk to the front porch. These steps are where I sat popping bubblegum bubbles, ate cold watermelon, and watched the boys play baseball. I fought with River sitting right here and chased him across these wooden boards. When I gave up on everything, I walked out that door.

Inhaling a shaky breath, I put my hand on the railing and make my way up the steps. Taking my keys out of my pocket, I unlock the door and walk inside. Again, nothing has changed. I walk through the living room and head to the stairs. I walk down the hallway, passing Landon’s old room, and take a peek inside at his twin bed and old surf posters on the walls. I continue until I stand in front of my old room. Pushing the door open, I see my bed along with my dresser and old photos of lifetime ago memories. Pictures of Cali and me with Kool-Aid smiles and high ponytails. Some of them are wrinkled from when I ripped them off once before, but they’re still clearly visible.

My eyes go around the room, and I walk over to my dresser. I open the small drawer I kept everything in and see the note Frankie wrote me for graduation. I smile as I open it, reading his words from so long ago.“I’ll always be here.”I put the note to my lips and close my eyes. Taking a deep breath before I put it down, I look at more old pictures and special keepsakes. I never came back for any of this. I don’t really know why. Maybe it was too painful, maybe everything in this place reminds me too much of the girl I used to be. Hell, still am. I've only changed on the outside. On the inside, I'm still running from anything that can hurt me.

My hand lands on something, and I move some old notes to the side. A tiny pill comes into view, and I pick it up and hold it in between my index finger and thumb. My heart starts to pick up beats, and I can feel my pulse throbbing against the skin on my neck. I keep the pill in my hand and sit down on my bed. My fingers spread open, and I see the pill sitting on my palm. Tears flow freely, and without any thought I toss it back. I lie down on my bed and stare at the old glow in the dark stars Cali and I put up. They shine bright, and I smile when the old time feeling of chillness climbs up my body, slowly like a dark fog rolling up over the hills. It starts at my toes and spreads through my feet. Crawling up my legs, it continues covering me with calmness. Sometime later, I fall asleep.

***

I wake up when I hear someone downstairs. Blinking my eyes a few times, I realize where I am and straighten my thrown up hair. Sitting up, I put my feet on the floor and rub my face. I stare up at the ceiling, and my fingers grab the covers. Hard times. Hard times make you want to go back to old habits. That one pill made me feel numb and better, but even I know you can’t stop feeling—you do that and you stop living. But you give an addict one hit of their poison, and it's like a snowball rolling fast down a hill. I run my hands across my thighs and exhale before I stand up and make my way down the stairs. I see Landon sitting on the couch.

“Hey, B,” he says when he sees me.

“Hey,” I reply, tired. I walk over to him and sit down in Frankie’s chair. It smells like him, and I put my feet up.

“Doesn’t seem real, does it?” Landon asks.

“No, brother, it doesn’t.”

We sit in silence staring at a black TV screen. Time passes, and it’s probably well after midnight, but we don’t speak and that’s okay. A car pulls up, and we look over at each other.

“River?” we both say at the same time. It would be funny, but this isn’t a laughing matter. The fact that all three of us needed to come home is sad because we didn’t come home when Frankie was here. We were all too busy with our own lives to visit the man who made us a family, and that thought makes my chest hurt and my eyes fill with tears.

The door opens, and in walks love. He looks between us before he shuts the door and walks over to the loveseat. Lying down, he crosses his ankles and rests his head on a throw pillow I bought years ago to give the room some color. White noise is the only sound in the room until Landon seems to have enough of it and turns the TV on.The Andy Griffith Showis on, and it makes me smile because that was Frankie’s favorite. We all sit together, like we used to, and watch Barney drive Andy crazy. It’s old, clean, and funny. It’s Frankie, and I feel like he is here with us.

***

The sound of the TV wakes me, and I squint my eyes as warm sunlight shines through the open blinds. I’m laid back in the recliner with a blanket over me. Landon sleeps on the couch, and the loveseat is empty. I quietly sit up and close the chair without bothering Landon. I pull my hair tie out of my hair and redo it. Releasing a small sigh, I get up and walk to the kitchen in search of coffee. As I set up the coffeemaker, I notice that the front door is cracked open, so I go check it out. Opening the door, I spot morning dew on the porch and River sitting on the steps.

“Hey,” I say.

He looks back at me. “Hey, B.”

“What are you doing?” I move from the door and sit down beside him.

“Just thinking,” he says.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay. Well, I’m here if you do.”

“Why?”

“What do you meanwhy?”

“I mean, why the fuck do you care, B?”

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