Page 54 of Close to Falling

“Okay,” I say, but I don’t move as he walks closer. He looks down at me, and the corners of his mouth lift more.

“Why are you fighting this?”

“Fighting what?”

He doesn’t answer. Instead, he kisses me, throwing me off completely. It’s a needy kiss, one I want more of. His hands go to my hair, and mine go to the back of his neck. He directs me backward until I bump into his dresser. He’s like a livewire running electricity to my soul. I pull him closer to me, and he lifts me up, placing me on top of the hard wood. River’s hands travel down my waist, and they come back up, bringing my shirt with them. Cold air touches my back, and somehow I come to my senses and pull away. Panicking, I move around him and jump down from the dresser.

“River, I’m so sorry. I can’t do this,” I say. Pain and confusion cover his face, but that’s what I feel inside.

“Fuck,” he says, frustrated. “I don’t know where I stand with you, woman. Hell, I can’t even touch you without you freezing up. I mean, we have been dancing around this for weeks now.” He rubs his head, and a line forms between his brows. “Why, B? Why can’t you do this?” He sighs. “Don’t you feel what I feel? Don’t you see how much sense we make together?”

“Just friends, River. We agreed to be just friends.”

He lifts his chin and looks down at me. “You’re only fooling yourself if you think we’re just friends, girl.”

“I can’t do this,” I repeat. “You made the decision, River. You told me to never come back.”

“I apologized for that, baby.”

“You think an apology can fix this?” I say. “You broke me, and sometimes when a person hurts you so badly, you stop feeling anything at all. That’s exactly what I did.”

“Do you know what I was going through in there knowing all of that?” he asks.

“No, I was busy going through hell out here without you because of your stupid choices!” I yell because it’s finally coming out now. All the resentment I’ve had for him choosing to do bad shit for dirty money.

“Here it is. Let it out, B. Tell me what you’ve been wanting to tell me all this time.”

“You left me. You made me fall,” I say, wiping the tears that have slipped from my eyes. “You made me want to give up, and I did. I spent months trying to numb the pain you put inside me. Months inside dirty bars and pill bottles.” I shake my head because what am I doing? I’ve come too far for the blame game, but, damn, if it doesn’t feel good to let this out.

“I didn’t tell you to never come back for pleasure, Maddie. I did it because it was the only way I could help you.”

“I know that now, but you shouldn’t have been in there in the first place.”

“You don’t think I know that?” he says, narrowing his eyes. “You think I wanted to be away from you? I love you!” He hits his chest with his open hand. “You’re the only thing that fucking matters to me. I’ve been trying to get you back since I got out of that fucking place. That’s why I haven’t called you. I changed my life and got my own business so when I came for you I would be someone you could be proud to be with.”

“See, that was your problem. I was always proud to be with you, River. I loved you just the way you were.”

“Loved?” he repeats the word.

I don’t reply to that.

“I knew one of us was going to get burned,” I say. “That’s why I didn’t want to do this. I can’t be your friend. This is too hard. I’ve got to go.”

“Oh, you’ve got to go,” he mocks. “Little Maddie always runs away from the hard stuff. I forgot.”

I shake my head and turn to walk away. Enough has been said, and I don’t need to hear any more. Something slams against the wall, but I ignore it and shut the door behind me.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I’m seated on a couch I’m all too familiar with as Ellie looks at me with sympathy. I’ve told her the whole story, and she is siding with River. Damn therapy.

“Maddie, you have been stringing the man along. You know deep down inside you love him. He is right to ask, so why are you fighting this?”

“I’m scared,” I finally say out loud. “I’m terrified, Ellie. River reminds me of everything bad and good in my life. He has been there with me through it all, minus the last nine years, of course,” I say like,there's that.

“It’s people like River who are worth keeping, Maddie. You don’t want someone who can only handle you at your best. He was there at your worst, and he stayed.”

“But you're forgetting he crushed me. He broke me when he told me not to come back anymore.”

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