Page 5 of Close to Falling

***

Later that day, when I return to my room, I notice a green cushion placed on my windowsill. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips, and I think it’s the first moment I believe everything just might be okay.

***

Weeks pass, and the weather starts to grow warmer. I walk outside a lot, and Landon and Frankie have been approved to visit. Landon’s hair has grown out, and Frankie looks the same. I don’t dare ask them about the boy who ripped my heart out, and they don’t bring him up. But deep down, I want to know everything.

The leaves in the trees grow greener, and birds chirp around me as I sit in the swing that’s attached to an old oak. I kick away from the ground and smile when the warmer-than-a-few-days ago’s wind brushes across my face. Holding on tight to the thick rope, I stretch my legs out and tuck them back in again, pushing myself to go higher. It feels like I’m flying, and when I close my eyes, I pretend that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Chapter Three

“Okay, Maddie, today is the day. I’ve let you have your space, and you’ve learned everything there is to know about me, and then some.” Ellie laughs as she moves across the room. She opens the blinds, and little dust particles float in the sunlight as she walks back around her desk. “So now,” she says as she leans against the rustic wood and crosses her ankles, “it’s your turn. You have to talk to heal. Sometimes, to understand a person’s present, we have to go back to their past.” I pick a piece of lint off my black leggings and slide my gray sleeves up to my elbows.

“Can we take a walk?” I ask.

“Sure,” Ellie says, and I stand up and open the door she has leading outside. I look up at the crisp blue sky and walk past the only plant Ellie has ever kept alive. Patience and understanding walks beside me quietly as I try to gather my thoughts.

“I was nine years old when my parents were murdered in front of me,” I begin, crossing my arms and looking off into the distance. “My dad had gotten an awesome job opportunity he couldn’t turn down in a city across the country, so he and my mom packed up everything we could fit into our car, and we took off. ‘A new adventure for all of us,’ my dad had said. And I was excited. I loved my parents. We had such a great relationship. Unlike most kids my age, I always wanted to be around my folks. Brown eyes like mine and the same dark hair I have, my dad was just like me or I was just like him.” I grin, thinking about him. “He could draw anything. He was an architect, and my best friend,” I say, my grin disappearing as I think of how I miss him.

“My mom was gorgeous. She had blonde hair and amazing blue eyes. She was Grace Kelly pretty and Katharine Hepburn funny. We laughed every day in my house. You two would have gotten along well,” I tell Ellie when I look over and see her studying me closely. She smiles and urges me with her eyes to continue, so I do. “It was late, and we needed gas. My dad also needed some smokes. I remember him saying he was running low. We got off the exit ramp not too far from where I live now and pulled up at the first twenty-four hour store we could find. The parking lot was empty except one car was parked away from the store and gas pumps. My dad went inside to pay for the gas and grab his cigarettes, and my mom needed to use the restroom, so I stayed in the car and waited. Everything changed in the blink of an eye,” I say those last words more to myself than to her. “One minute I was in the backseat, the next I was jumping out of the car as my parents ran out of the store. A man followed close behind them, and in one second, the sound of a gun fired, once and then twice. I watched outside of myself as the two people I loved the most fell to the ground.” I don’t say anything for a minute after that, and Ellie doesn’t either.

NoI’m so sorry. NoThat’s horrible. You shouldn’t have had to go through that.And in this moment, I am so grateful for her. You get tired of hearing that after a while. Like, why are you sorry? You did nothing. I understand its meaning, but it’s still a song I’d rather not hear. We sit down on a cushioned bench by the sidewalk, and I lean back and stretch my legs out.

“It’s a shame their death insurance money is paying for all of this,” I say with a wave of my hand. “I could be spending it on college tuition or some shit like that.”

“Do you want to go to college?” Ellie asks.

I smirk. “No, I don’t think so,” I reply regrettably.

“Did they ever find the men who did it?”

“Yeah, they were two druggies looking for quick cash,” I respond, sighing and realizing I'm tired. “Can we talk some more tomorrow?”

“Of course, Maddie. You did well today. I’m proud of you,” Ellie tells me.

“Thanks, I’m going to take a nap,” I say before I get up and make the short walk back to my room. I slip my shoes off and crawl into my bed. Sliding my hands up under my cool pillow and closing my eyes, I let sleep take over and dream of my parents.

Bubbles spill out of the washing machine, and Dad looks over at me, wide-eyed. I give him that same look as I hear the front door open. It’s Mom, and she is going to kill both of us.

“Quick, B. Go stall her while I try to figure out what to do with this,” he says, gesturing to the mess of bubbles that has now made it to the floor.

“Okay!” I say and walk out of the laundry room. “Hey, Mom,” I greet her with a little too high tone. Arms filled with grocery bags, she smiles at me and puts them down onto the counter.

“Hey, baby girl.” She unloads the bags, and I see she bought detergent.

“I’ll put that up,” I say, grabbing the bottle.

“Thanks.” She opens the fridge and puts the milk inside. I walk toward the laundry room and see Dad hasn’t done much. Actually, it’s worse, and he has bubbles in his hair. I giggle as he tries to reach behind the washer, and I guess unplug it.

“It’s gone mad, B!” he says. “I can’t reach the plug!” He is high-pitch whispering, making me laugh even more.

“B, you forgot the fabric…” Mom stops in her tracks as she takes in the disaster that comes from dad and daughter trying to help with the laundry. Dad turns around slowly, and I look between them. Oh, crap. I’m waiting for the time bomb to go off. I’m waiting for Mom to get that wrinkle between her eyes when she gets mad at Dad, but it doesn’t happen. She bites her lip, and white bubbles fall out of Dad’s hair. I hear a smirk, and when I look over, my mom has covered her mouth with her hand, and I see the shake in her shoulders as she tries to hold in her laughter. The washing machine makes a crazy sound, and more bubbles shoot out. That’s all it takes, and my mom is laughing hysterically. Eyes watering, hand on stomach, good laughing, which in turn, causes Dad and me to laugh.

I wake myself with the sounds coming out of me, and I realize I was laughing in my sleep. I let out another laugh as I think about my dream. A few more laughs slip from my lips as I remember Dad trying to clean up all those bubbles. They were impossible to clean up. I’m laughing, and then I start to cry. It feels so good that I keep it up. I cry because I miss my parents. I cry because I remember them so well, and I haven’t remembered them in a long time. I remember my dad’s smell––cigarettes and morning time coffee. I remember how I felt when my mom hugged me. The comfort of her arms around me and the small kisses she sprinkled in my hair. I remember it all, and I let those tears fall because I haven’t cried like this for them in years. I feel it when some of the weight breaks from my chest, and it feels amazing.

***

White, puffy clouds move slowly above me as I lie on my blanket in the grass. My hands rest behind my head, and my ankles are crossed. Ellie leans back against my new favorite tree waiting for me to start. My brain races with memories. It’s incredible how much you forget you remembered when your mind is clear.

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