Page 39 of Close to Falling

“I love you,” I say, crying out as he makes me come. But he doesn’t stop. He keeps thrusting, grasping the back of the couch with a rough from working hand, and holding himself up with his other hand. He loves me over and over. He leans down and takes my bottom lip between his teeth, biting down when he lets go.

“I’ll do anything for you, B,” he says again against my lips. “But I’m not getting you drugs.” He leans back and pulls out, making me wince. “Especially when I just beat someone’s face in for doing just that.” He tucks himself back inside his shorts and stands up. I fix my panties and pull my dress down.

“I’m not asking you to get me bullets so I can shoot myself,” I say bitterly. He laughs once.

“You kinda are, B,” he says solemnly. He shakes his head and grabs the back of his neck. I watch him walk to his room, thinking I don’t need you to do a damn thing for me. I'll figure this out.

***

I flip the baggie in my hand. Pulling it open, I take a pill out and look at it in the light. Blue flows through my veins, keeping me calm and normal, but just for a rush, I crush this one and snort it. I feel easy now, and the anxiety has disappeared. Colors look better, and sounds are smoother. My plan worked, and I’ve gotten enough to last a good while, giving myself time to find another dealer because Cali said she wouldn’t do it again. My friend knows I need help, too, and my brother and boyfriend would kill her if they knew she helped me.

Life goes on, and I keep my best-hidden secret away from my boy. Lying comes along with addiction and gets as easy as a prostitute in Vegas, just as popping one without anything to drink does.

It’s nightfall, and River should have called by now, but he hasn’t. I send him a text and call him more than once, but no response. Sighing, I think about this morning with him. No one could love me like he does. River pulls me in and completely takes me over. I put the pill bag down and look at my phone again, before I switch it out for my sketchpad and pencil. I start out with jagged edges and small strokes, smudging and filling in as my passion bleeds out of me. Hours tick by and still no phone call. I fall asleep sometime later and wake with the sunlight shining behind my eyelids. I hear commotion in the hallway, and my door flies open.

“B,” Landon says. “Wake up. I fucking knew it, and what the hell are we going to do?”

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“River,” he says, and I feel it when my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach, remembering he never called me last night.

“What about River?” I ask, grabbing my jeans and a T-shirt.

“They got him, B. He got caught.”

“Caught?” I ask. “Doing what?” I’m still half-asleep and trying to wrap my brain around what Landon is telling me.

“What do you think?”

“Landon, I really don’t know.” I really don’t. River never told me.

“What?” he asks, acting like it’s the craziest thing he has ever heard.

“I don’t know,” I repeat.

“He never told you?” he says as realization hits him.

“Not the details.”

“Come on. We have to go.” He walks out, and I change my pajamas for the jeans and T-shirt I’ve been holding.

***

“What did River get charged for?” Ellie asks.

“Drug trafficking,” I reply. “He got six years.”

“Wow,” she says, lifting her brow. “How did things go from there?”

“Things were okay at first. I went to see him as much as I was able to. We were positive about everything, but shit like that eventually takes a toll on a relationship and the people in it. I wasn’t a strong girl. I was weak from loving him and loving a drug—both were killing me.

***

I walk through the heavy gray doors, and my feet touch the white tile as I make my way up to the bulletproof glass. I speak into the silver vented hole and tell them I’m here to visit River Dawson. I’m given a pass, and after I’m searched, the men in tan uniforms escort me with several other people to the visitation room.

Round stools that are attached to metal tables are no longer empty as loved ones sit and talk to inmates. River sits in the far corner, and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I feel relief when I see him, and I hate this so fucking much. I was so mad at him at first, but now I don’t have the energy to be because half of my heart is behind bars every night.

“Hey, B,” he says, standing up.

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