Page 13 of Close to Falling

“It’s next month,” he says. “Maybe you can go?”

“I hope so,” I reply because I really do. He goes on to tell me about the lineup and the other guys, and I smile because I love him and I love that he is passionate about something. I listen to him talk for a while longer until we change the subject. “So, how's Cali?” I ask.

“She’s Cali,” he answers. “She got a job at one of the local stores downtown. I saw her a few weeks ago. She says to tell you hello and that she misses you.”

“Tell her the same for me. Will you?”

“Sure,” he says, and Frankie walks back in smelling like tobacco and outdoors. He sits down and sighs.

“So, how’s all this going?” Frankie asks.

“Fine,” I tell him. “I’m in therapy now. The worst part is over. I’m no longer dope sick. I just have mood swings from time to time, but they tell me that’s from the drugs also.”

He nods. “What are your plans?”

I look between my brother and the man who has been more like a father to me since I was eleven. “I don’t know,” I say. “I haven’t figured that out yet.” I look down at the magazine I tossed onto the table. “The things I’ve been reading tell me I need to find my passion and dive in. You two know I used to draw, so I was thinking something with that, but I’m just really not sure.”

“You’re an awesome artist, B. I think that would be a great idea,” Landon adds.

“Thanks,” I say, toying with my lip. “I’ve been talking a lot about my past in here.”

“Yeah?” Frankie says.

“Yes,” I say. And then I sigh as nerves bubble up inside me. “How is he?” I ask because I just can’t not know anymore.

“He’s okay, B,” Landon answers. “I went and saw him a couple of days ago.”

I pick at the side of my thumbnail, and my heart picks up its beat. “Does he know?” I ask. “About me?”

“Yes,” Landon confirms.

“But he hasn’t tried to reach out? I mean, does he even care?”

“He is going through his own mess right now, B.”

“I know that,” I say a little harsher than I intended, causing Landon’s eyes to go wide. “I’ve been through hell, and I haven’t stopped thinking about him once!” I say, getting up and walking over to the window. I put my palms down flat on the windowsill and try to control the anger in me. “I’m sorry,” I mumble. “It just hurts,” I say the last words mostly to myself.

“Maddie, men are different. We don’t talk about our feelings like you women do. Especially to other men. I’m sure he is thinking of you, too. He told you to move on, to do better. And, well, now you are, but you have to keep doing better. You two need to grow into your own people,” Frankie tells me, and leave it to him to tell me like it is.

“I love him,” I say to myself. I haven’t said it in so long it feels foreign, but the love is still there, and it’s so strong. I don’t think it will ever go away. I can move on, but the affection I have for him is buried so deep inside me, there is no way for it to disappear.

“Are you coming home when you get out of here?” Frankie asks.

“I don’t think I can,” I turn around and say. I lean back against the window and cross my arms. “It’s too hard, and all it will do is remind me of the mess I turned into. I’m going to have to find something closer to the city. I was thinking about going to school maybe.” I remember I told Ellie I was wasting the money I got from my parents’ death. I’ve been rethinking the whole school thing, though. It may be a good idea. My parents weren’t millionaires, but they were well off, and they left me enough money to live comfortably. I need to do something to keep my mind busy.

“It sounds like you have things more figured out than you let on,” Frankie says.

“I guess so, huh,” I say, lifting my brow and smirking.

“You need to do whatever is best for you,” Frankie tells me. “Hell, we may move closer to the city, too.”

“But your deck.”

“Ah, I’ll just get more money out of the house if I sale it. I want us all to be together. We’re a family.”But not without River.I don’t say this out loud, though. I keep it to myself, and after I tell Frankie and Landon bye, I head to my therapy session for today.

Chapter Seven

Mystery book in hand, I lightly knock on Ellie’s door and wait for her to tell me to come in. She does, and I turn the handle and step inside her office.

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