Page 36 of Follow Your Bliss

“Another indicator that things between you were off.”

“Yes!” he said emphatically. “Exactly.”

I desperately wanted to ask what that other thing was, and it was a real testament to my personal growth re: not blurting things out that I didn’t.

Just kidding.

“What’s the other thing?” I asked eagerly, propping my cheek on my fist and my elbow on the table as I sipped from my straw.

He threw his head back laughing, and his face went bright red. Heads all over the restaurant swiveled toward him. He covered his mouth with his hand, eyes twinkling. “I knew after it came out of my mouth, you were gonna ask.”

“You’re laughing but not answering.” That set him off more. I loved his laugh. I got the sense that it was disused, that he hadn’t laughed this hard in a while. “What came out of your mouth, Jason? Or went into it? You’re really not gonna tell me?” I shook my head. “Such a tease.”

He leaned forward. “I’m trying to think of a euphemism that’s PG-rated.”

I leaned in, speaking quietly. “Is it thirty-four plus thirty-five?”

He frowned then chuckled, clearly having done the math. Placing his elbows on the table, he leaned in, eyes twinkling as he held my gaze. “Half.”

“Ahh, she wouldn’t play the pink oboe, huh?”

He cackled, shaking his head and licking his lips. But he held my gaze with those eyes. “The other half.”

“Oh!” I couldn’t keep the surprise out of my voice. “You like giving Australian kisses.” Hell, yeah. Now I couldn’t keep my eyes off his sexy mouth.

He blinked. “What?”

“You know, it’s like a French kiss…but it’s…” He continued to stare at me. How was he not getting this? “It’s down under.”

The server chose that moment to place our pizza on the table, and we giggled like guilty teenagers and murmured our thanks.

He waited for me to grab a piece before digging in himself. “But back to Misty. I’m actually repulsed by her. I’m sorry. That’s so mean. But—she’s pretty, I guess, if you like fake flowers. It’s just that her character is so ugly. I don’t evenwantto get close enough to see if we’re compatible. My Mom doesn’t understand why I don’t want to go out with her. Alex thinks I should take what I can get from her. But sex is…it’s an emotional thing for me. Not that I haven’t done it casually before. But for me, there’s no substitute for that kind of connection. It’s so, so beautiful with someone you love. You didn’t have that kind of connection with Isaac?” he asked softly.

My cheeks burned. It was one thing to talk about sex in the general way, and quite another to talk about my own sex life. “I mean I wouldn’t have dated him if thehorizontal refreshmentwasn’t good.” I stuffed another big bite in my mouth to chew on my response to him. I thought I’d felt that way once, with Michael. But finding out it wasn’t mutual had tainted every good memory with him.

“No, we didn’t have that connection,” I finally said. “It’s hard for me to be that vulnerable. Emotionally. With Isaac—with almost any guy I’ve dated.”

He glanced up from shaking parmesan onto his next slice. “Why’s that?”

“Probably something to do with being raised by a single mom. Being told practically since I was born to guard my heart.” I’d never told any guy I’d dated about Michael. I never expected them to side with me on how things ended, as if some bro bond would make them see me as less. The way Michael did.

But I didn’t get that sense from Jason, and he wasn’t interested in dating me. “Also…it didn’t help that the first guy I ever dated seriously, straight out of high school, was so mean to me. He was my first time, my first a lot of things. I thought I was in love with him, even though I never felt close to him. And even though he was amazing at—” I cut off as the waitress mercifully brought refills of our drinks, because I was about to overshare re: my breasts. She walked off, and I soldiered on. “Honestly, sex with him wasn’t…satisfying. He was more experienced, but he still didn’t know what he was doing. He never let me in emotionally, never would commit to being my boyfriend, not even over the two years we dated.”

“That sucks.” And he looked into my eyes as he said it, as if he’d really been listening and really meant it.

“Well, it gets worse. I broke up with him because he hit on Lily.”

He stopped with a slice of pizza halfway to his mouth. “What the fuck. Are you serious?”

I brought my shoulders up in a tiny little shrug. “Yeah.”

His slice of pizza held off to the side, forgotten, outrage coating his features. “What’s the matter with him?”

“I mean, I get that Lily’s prettier, and smarter, and more charming than me. Everybody likes her better. I’m used to that. But an intimate relationship? That’s kind of the one type of relationship that was supposed to put me at the top, above everyone else. You know?”

Jason had watched me silently, concern and outrage all over his face as I talked. Now his pizza was back on his plate and his hands were in fists, like he wanted to deck Michael. I wanted to deck him too.

“What a piece of shit. First off…what a piece of shit. If I ever meet this guy, and I’m not a violent man, I might punch him in the face.”

---