Page 12 of Kissing Danger

“Have I overstepped? You seem... uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s not... I definitely want this. I just...”

What was I supposed to say?

The explanation felt so childish. However, the only other option was to let Nathan think he’d done something wrong, and that was unacceptable.

Still sitting on the desk, I curled one leg up against my chest and wrapped my arms around my knee like I was hugging a childhood toy. It probably made me look younger than I was, but at that moment I didn’t care.

“I’ve never... The idea of having someone... inside me, has always kinda freaked me out. I don’t know why. It’s just always made me nervous.”

I could see the thought in his eyes the moment it flickered though his mind and I quickly waved my hands to dispel it away.

“I’m not a virgin. I’ve done plenty of stuff, just... not that.”

The troubled look still didn’t leave his eyes, and with a quiet sigh, he pulled the desk chair closer to sit down. The position put him lower than me, so I had to look down at him. My legs fell to either side of the chair as I faced him, and he placed his hands tentatively on my knees as if testing to see if his touch was still acceptable.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and set my hands over his to keep them there, letting him know that his touch was very much wanted. “I’m ruining the mood, aren’t I?”

“Not ruining anything,” he said as his thumbs traced the seams of my pants along my inner thigh. “However, don’t lie to me.”

I immediately tried to protest, to assure him that I wasn’t lying. One look from his hazel eyes, as sharp as a diamond blade, silenced me.

“Being nervous about penetrative intercourse is fine.”

Something about the clinical way he said “penetrative intercourse” made me blush in embarrassment. If felt like he was a teacher giving me my first Sex-Ed lesson.

“However,” he continued, adding extra emphasis to his words to make sure I was listening. “That wasn’t a nervous reaction. You literally struck me to get me away from you. That is the reaction of someone who is genuinely afraid, and you didn’t even seem to realize you were doing it. That is more than just natural nervousness over something you haven’t done before.”

Everything he said was a statement, yet a question was woven through his words. He wanted answers about my reaction, but he wasn’t going to ask outright. It was my decision whether or not to tell him.

Taking a deep breath, I started what I knew would be an awkward explanation.

“I said it used to be fine, and that’s the truth. My first boyfriend, when I was in high school, hated how reluctant I was about sex. I tried to keep him happy with other things, but it was never enough, and we eventually broke up. It was sad, but fine. Later, when I was in college, I tried dating again, but the nervousness was still there, even worse than before. Again, I tried to compensate in other ways, and I enjoyed everything we did, but it was never enough. We’d only been dating for about two weeks when he... got more insistent.”

Nathan’s grip on my legs tightened until I could feel the stitching of my own pants. “Did he force you?”

“No,” I was quick to reassure him. “I didn’t let it get that far.”

Instead of looking reassured, as I’d hoped, Nathan just looked more upset.

“That fact that you had to stop it from going so far means that being forced was a possibility. Even if it didn’t happen, your own lover was willing to go that far and force you into something you didn’t want.”

“Yeah, well...” I shrugged, not sure what to say. “I left before it got that bad, and obviously broke up with him. Haven’t seen the bastard since. It’s fine.”

I was trying to have a serious conversation, but Nathan’s hands had started stroking up and down my legs. It was probably meant as a soothing gesture, but I just found it distracting, like I was being teased with something I couldn’t have.

“Fineis not the word I would use,” Nathan said with a frown, seemingly oblivious to the effect his hands were having on me. “If you’re still reacting so aggressively to just being touched, even years later...”

I immediately cut him off. “No. It’s not affecting me. I mean, yeah, it did for a while. For, like, a year after I broke up with my second boyfriend I would freak out and push people away whenever they got too handsy, but I got over it. I just... wasn’t paying attention this time. It’s been a while since I was intimate with anyone. Too busy with my career, you know. So, I forgot to control my reaction. Sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

Standing up so he was once again leaning over me, Nathan planted his hands on the desk on either side of my hips. “You shouldn’t have to control your reactions in order to enjoy sex. Now, if you’re still interested in pursuing something with me?—”

“Yes,” I cut him off, nodding eagerly as I once again gripped the lapel of his jacket to pull him closer.

Nathan let out a single barking laugh with enough force to ruffle my hair. “I’m glad you’re so enthusiastic, but please listen to my whole proposition before agreeing.” One of his hands left the desk to cup my face and stroke my cheek. “If you’re still interested in pursuing something with me, then how about we start slow and work our way up. See if we can get you comfortable with everything sex has to offer.”

Maybe it was due to the fact that arousal was clouding my brain, but I didn’t need to think about his proposition very long before agreeing.

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