Page 104 of Up All Night

I blinked a few times, still not believing she was here. Could severe exhaustion cause someone to hallucinate?

“What…what are you doing here?” I stammered.

She never showed up without telling me ahead of time. She called before she descended upon me and disrupted my life, and I always appreciated the warning.

She gave me a sympathetic look. “Kate called me.”

“Kate?” I asked in surprise. “She what? Why?” I couldn’t seem to get my thoughts straight. Seeing my mom here tonight was the last thing I’d expected.

“Yes, she called me because she’s worried about you,” she said. “She mentioned something about boy troubles and someothernot so nice things about how I live my life.” She paused, pursing her lips. “She sure has a lot of opinions.”

I almost laughed. That was definitely true. Kate had some strong opinions when it came to my mother, but she’d always kept her mouth shut around her. She must have given my mom an earful if it had my mom showing up here unannounced.

“You and I need to talk.” She turned to walk away, assuming I would follow.

I sighed, setting the clear plastic container on the counter and following her into the living room to sit on the couch.

She grabbed my hand in hers. “I know I haven’t been the best mother.”

“Mom, you don’t have to do this,” I told her. I’d come to peace with all this a long time ago. “You’ve done the best you could. It hasn’t been easy for us.”

“I know,” she agreed. “But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been extremely selfish along the way. I’ve put my own wants above yours, thinking only about how to makemehappy, and I never took a second to consider how that might affect you. I prided myself on providing you with food and shelter and dance classes, thinking that could excuse my other behaviors. I should have known that how I acted and the choices I made would impact you, for good and for bad.”

She looked down at our hands. “Kate said you’ve been trying so hard not to be me, that all you can see in yourself are all the bad things that remind you of me, that you’re stuck in this limbo, not able to freely be yourself.”

“Oh, Mom.” I squeezed her hand, feeling bad about what Kate had told her.

As harsh as Kate’s words were, they resonated with me in a way I hadn’t thought of before. It was true. I was so focused on trying to not be my mom that I had somehow become her despite my best efforts. Not that my mom was a horrible person, but I wanted a different life. I wanted to be independent and not rely on a man to be my only means of survival.

“It’s okay, honey,” she said, looking back at me. “I needed to hear it. Kate is a good friend. She wants what’s best for you. And I do, too. I’m so sorry for everything. For moving you around all the time, for all the boyfriends, for not giving you a stable childhood, and for not being the strong mother you needed.” Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “You’re nothing like me. You’re brave and courageous. You’re strong and confident. You make your own success in life and don’t rely on anyone to take care of you. You understand that happiness comes from within and not from some rich guy who can take you around the world. And none of who you have become is because of me. It’s all been you, sweetie.”

I threw my arms around her, a sob rising in my throat. “Thank you.” I hadn’t known how much I needed to hear that until she said it.

It was funny how sometimes you couldn’t see the truth when it was so obvious, until a mom, even an unconventional one like mine, opened your eyes to what had been there all along.

I’m not my mom, but I’d been trying so hard to not be her that I couldn’t see all the ways I was making better choices. My vision had been clouded by my intense desire to be the exact opposite, taking the focus off all the ways I was different. My constant fears had swallowed up the truth, and hearing her say those words seemed to wash away my fears, leaving only the truth behind.

No, I wasn’t like my mother, and even if there were some similarities between us, that didn’t mean that it had to be a negative thing. I made my own choices, and it was time I took responsibility for them instead of blaming her for having passed on to me what I thought were flaws.

We broke the hug, both of us wiping at our eyes.

“Tell me what happened with West,” she said, looking like she genuinely cared.

I wasn’t used to my mom wanting to talk about my life. This was new territory, and I wasn’t sure where to start. So I started from the beginning.

I told her about how we hadn’t gotten along at first, how we’d both tried to annoy one another, how I had been his fill-in personal trainer, how he’d offered to give me rides to the gym, how I’d gone hard on him during our first workout together, how we turned everything into a competition but it was all in good fun and it had taken us from neighbors to acquaintances to friends. I told her about how I’d asked him to look over my business plan and he’d given me some pointers, how I’d gone with him to the charity gala, how we’d almost kissed on the balcony when celebrating the approval of my bank loan, how we’d spent two amazing Saturdays together, how cute he had been when he showed up at my dance studio with dinner, and then finally made it to our firstand lastdate.

“After he’d done all this work stuff,” I kept telling her, “he threw out that he wanted to be an investor in my dance studio, offering to hire people to do everything I didn’t know how to do. I felt like another one of his business deals he was trying to close.”

“I’m not saying his offer to invest was his best move, but from what I’ve heard you tell me about West, I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way. I think he just wants to help you in the only way he knows how,” my mom said.

“Hmm, maybe,” I mumbled. “But I don’t need some wealthy guy I was hoping to date, give me a handout. I want him to believe I can do it on my own.”

She nodded. “I agree. You are more than capable of running this dance studio.”

“Thank you.” I let out a small smile before remembering there was one more thing I hadn’t told her about the date. “Oh, and then his ex-girlfriend showed up. She was so perfect, and I could tell she wished they were still together.”

“But if he still wanted to be with her, wouldn’t he be?” she asked.

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