Page 20 of Spirit Witch

“Close your eyes, Nizhoni.Close them and lead.”

“I thought you were supposed to lead me?”

“I’m your guide, but only you know the way.You must trust yourself first.Only then can you trust me to do my job.”

Confused and shivering despite the fire and the sweat I felt beading at my brow, I did as Judge said and closed my eyes.He placed my hands on my knees, repositioning them until he was satisfied, then he started shaking the rattles I’d observed earlier, adding rhythmic vibrations to his song.The melody was beyond my understanding of music, though I could hear the tonal changes, intentional pauses, and even more so, I felt the pull of his song on my powers, on me.

I exhaled, slipping deeper into myself as Judge sang to me.Hours passed, or maybe days, but he never relented, continuing the rhythmic tune as I battled myself for access to my magic.It was like I was in a tunnel, dank and mysterious, a hallowed out path deep inside the earth.Claustrophobia filled me and I started to hyperventilate, but Judge’s song grew louder right then, easing my angst and bringing me the measure of calm I needed to focus.

One foot after the other, that was the only way forward.As simple as that might sound, it felt like I had matching thousand pound weights around my ankles.The deeper I strode into the tunnel, following that thread I believed would lead me to my cache of magic, the clearer it became that something was not right within me.

I struggled through the dense, murky fog, carrying those invisible weights.It took almost all my energy.I could feel them working against me, doing their damnedest to break me down.I had to brace myself against the sharp pain inside my head as I tried to move beyond the thick wall of swirling mists I saw so clearly inside my mind’s eye.

This barrier was not mine, was it?

It couldn’t be.

Dread pulsed within me, and I backed up inside the dark tunnel, taking in the wall from top to bottom.It was huge, immeasurable, and the vibe it gave off was not unsimilar to the wards around Westwood protecting the campus from fades and other malignant forces.

If I created this, then something bad must have happened to me.Something I did not want to see.If I made this, then I must not have wanted me to be able to access my magic.

But why would I have done such a thing?

“You’ve found the barrier, Nizhoni.Now, you must push through.”

“I can’t!Aren’t you supposed to help me?”I asked.

I swallowed as panic and a sudden irrational fear held me tight in their grips.The fog seemed to swell and crackle, growing bigger and stronger right in front of me, I felt so small.So helpless.

How was I possibly going to get through that?

“This is your journey, Nizhoni.You must do this part alone.”

Judge’s voice spoke so clearly in my head, and the answer he gave so obvious.But it wasn’t as easy as just pushing through.The fear I felt that had been rising so suddenly and swiftly, quickly blew out of proportion.I fell to my knees, wrapping my hands around myself as a blast of icy wind whipped all around me.This place was dark and thick with ugliness.I didn’t want to be there.Didn’t want to see what this fog wall barred from my consciousness.

Fuck.

This felt wrong, bad, and I was so damn powerless to stop the tide of emotions threatening to drown me.I was inadequate for this job.Not good enough to stand with the others who would have to face some difficult obstacle to save magic, though none of us knew what just yet.

There was so much I did not remember about my past.

But what if my mind did that to protect me?

What if remembering would hurt me somehow?

Illogical as it seemed, those fears were doing their best to cripple me in that moment.More questions batted against my brain, each of them hitting me hard and accurately like Aaron Judge slamming it out of Yankee Stadium.

Something triggered at the thought and my head felt like it was going to explode with the sudden appearance of a memory of me sitting down on a soft leather couch, surrounded by faces that were still blurry, sharing popcorn and cold beer, watching the world series.Aaron Judge might not have won a series, but hit sixty-two home runs in one season, and that was fucking awesome.

Fuck, why did I know anything about the stats of a baseball player?

What if there was something truly wrong with me?

What if I wasn’t a spirit witch at all?

What if I was useless in my friends’ endeavors to free magic?

Tears pricked my eyes, and even though I held them closed, I could feel the trails they left on my cheeks.Shame filled me.

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