Page 68 of Home in Nevada

"I get that now, dude, it’s fine. I was never mad at you about that."

Lucy pauses. "Hey Jeff, are we both in relationships at the same time?"

I laugh. "Yeah."

"Are we both insuper gay relationshipsat the same time?!"

"Okay, stop. Fuck off with that." She’s still laughing. "I’m done, Lucy... Let’s talk about something else."

We end up talking on the phone for most of the day while I play my game. I’ve missed her. The rest of the conversation is pretty surface-level, but we had a moment earlier, and I feel closer to her because of it.

After we hang up, I decide to work out a little in the living room. If I’m going to get back on track and stop getting leaner, I have to start now. I don’t like what I see in the mirror right now. Honestly, I almost don’t recognize myself.

As I push through my reps, the thought sneaks up on me—I’m going to have to talk about Jamie. More often. To people who don’t know about us. About usbeing together now.Not calling it "a thing."

The idea twists in my gut, making me falter mid-lift. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about him. I do. But saying it out loud, to other people, feels… big. Permanent. Real.

It makes me nervous.

But Jamie’s worth it. I remind myself of that. I’ll deal with all the awkward bullshit if it means being with Jamie—not just messing around, but really being with him. Being his boyfriend. A supportive boyfriend. I’d do anything for him.

Does Jamie still have doubts that I’ll go through with this long-term? Withus? It feels like he might. And thinking about how I just explained our relationship to Lucy, still skirting around the truth, I realize I’m fooling myself if I think this is going to be easy. Coming out of the closet is going to be hard.

This whole process hasn’t been easy. Why the hell would I think coming out publicly would be?

Jamie’s probably thought about that already.

Is that why he keeps joking that I should bail…?

I’m going to prove him wrong.

I finish all my reps, pushing through more than usual, and decide to text Jamie.

Jeff: I hope you didn't forget.

Jamie doesn’t text me back until I’m already sprawled out on the couch, half-watching a game on TV in the living room. I glance at my phone when it buzzes.

Jamie: Forget what?

I laugh, shaking my head as I type out a reply. My fingers hover over the keyboard for a second before I settle on something simple.

Jeff: You forgot.

Jamie: What did I forget?

Jeff:That I'm here waiting for you.

Jeff: And when you get home, I’m gonna fuck you so hard you’ll forget what a “job” even is.????

Jamie doesn’t respond for a while, leaving me to half-watch the game on TV, though I can’t focus on it for long. My mind keeps drifting, replaying the way he looked this morning when he left, all polished and put together. I can't get him out of my head.

Eventually, after what feels like ages, my phone buzzes from its spot on the bed. My heart jumps a little—stupid, really—but I reach for it without hesitation.

Finally. Jamie.

Jamie: Dude........

Jamie: I can't believe you sent me that.

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