Page 55 of Home in Nevada

The lump in my throat grows, and for a moment, I can’t speak.

“Jamie…” I take a breath, bracing myself for what I’m about to say. “When Tiffany banged on the door, I was about to finish… You know… what we were doing.” I cringe as the words leave my mouth. It’s humiliating to even bring it up, but Jamie has to know. “I want you to understand why I was so damn pissed off. Tiffany showing up that night just… I was really fucking mad. I didn't mean to yell at her the way I did.”

“I know,” Jamie says, his voice tinged with a faint smile.

“I was so angry. My neighbors were probably seconds away from calling in a noise complaint. I just wanted her to go away. I was so pissed off, dude.”

Jamie’s quiet laugh sends a familiar knot twisting in my stomach. For the first time in weeks, I feel a small smile creeping onto my lips.

“Jamie, I waited so long…”

“For what?”

“For… another chance, I guess.” I clench my hand into a fist on the bedsheets, gripping tightly.

“…A chance for what?” Jamie asks.

I know what he’s really asking—if I just wanted to have sex and get it over with. I get why he’d be afraid of that. It’s what he alluded to when he was yelling in my apartment, fueled by a bottle of wine and Tiffany’s hateful bullshit. But he’s wrong.

Jamie’s never been just a curiosity to me. Yeah, I was curious… but not about sex. It was always abouthim. About havingall of him.

“A chance to not chicken out,” I say finally. “To just… be together. Me and you. No worrying about anything else, no one else in our lives but each other. To prove to you that I wasn’t messing around, Jamie. Maybe I didn’t know what I was doing, but I wasn’t just messing around. I would never do that to you, dude. Ever.” My voice shakes as I push the words out. “I just… I never thought I’d still feel this way about you after all this time. And then you told me I was doing nothing but hurting you, and that… that ripped me apart.”

“Jeff…” Jamie’s voice is barely a whisper.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t playing any kind of game, Jamie. I swear. When you wanted to leave and go to a hotel, it broke my heart. Not because of sex. I mean, that was nice. Really, really nice. But… I just wantedyou.”

There. I said it.

It feels like a weight has lifted, finally getting the words out—everything that’s been haunting me for the past few months.

“Jeff, I’m sorry. I overreacted.” Jamie’s voice is fragile, barely audible.

“You didn’t overreact. I was hurting you. You need to tell me that stuff… before you drink half a bottle of wine and snap.”

Jamie lets out a soft laugh. “I was just… being insecure.”

“No, you weren’t. You didn’t tell me how you felt, Jamie. I’m an idiot, okay? You need to tell me if you’re feeling that way so I can get my shit together. Why am I always the one talking about my stupid feelings all the time? Come on, dude…”

“Okay… I will,” Jamie says quietly.

God, I wish he were here. I miss seeing his face—his big brown eyes, the way they’d soften when he looked at me. I can’t help but wonder what they’d look like right now. Would they be guarded, like they were that night? Or full of something warmer, something I’ve been aching to see again? I miss a lot of things about Jamie, but his eyes? They’re at the very top of the list.

“Hey... Jamie...”

“Yeah?”

“For the record, if we were together, I wouldn’t even think twice about anyone else. Ever. You’re it for me. I’m a fucking creep with how obsessed I am with you, I always have been. I’m sure you saw that going through my journal…” I let out a shaky laugh, trying to mask my embarrassment. “You’re on my mind twenty-four-seven. Do you even realize what you do to me?”

Silence.

“All those times back in high school... you were right. None of those girls mattered. I was just a dumb jock who didn’t know what he wanted. I treated people like crap because I couldn’t connect with them—emotionally, anyway. But with you… it was different. It’s always been different.

"Back then, I didn’t want to face what we had because it terrified me. And when I met Tiffany, I thought I’d found something real. But then I saw you again, and it hit me like a truck. You’re on another level, Jamie. No one else has ever made me feel the way you do.”

I take a shaky breath, my heart pounding as I keep going.

“I can’t stay away from you. I don’t want to. Even if we’re just sitting in my car listening to music or eating something gross I ordered at one in the morning, I don’t care. I just want to be near you. You’re the only person I’ve ever felt this way about, Jamie. It’s just you. Always you.”

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