Page 29 of Home in Nevada

So close. I’d been so close to finding some self-acceptance, and now, within the span of an hour, it was all gone. I felt like shit.

I walk into the bedroom and sink onto the edge of my bed, my chest tight and my heart still racing. My hands shake as I pull out my phone, the glow of the screen harsh in the dark room. My thumb hovers over the contacts list, hesitating between two names: Lucy and Jamie.

Lucy would give me hell, no doubt, but she’d tell me what I needed to hear. Jamie… I was hurting, and all I wanted was the sound of his voice.

Before I can overthink it, I press Jamie’s name.

The line rings once, twice, and then: “Hello?”

His voice is groggy, thick with sleep, and I instantly feel a pang of guilt for waking him. But hearing him, even like this, washes over me like a breath of fresh air I didn’t realize I needed.

“Jamie…” I whisper, his name slipping out before I can stop it, the sound of it grounding me in a way nothing else has tonight.

There’s a pause on the line before Jamie’s concern sharpens. “What’s wrong? Jeff… Are you okay?”

“No.”

“Are you hurt? What’s going on?”

I reach up, gingerly touching my face. It hurts, but I can’t focus on the pain.

“I just got into a fight,” I say, my voice distant, the words not fully registering. The adrenaline still buzzes through me, making it hard to think straight. My heart hammers against my ribs, the chaos in my head louder than Jamie’s faint, uncertain chuckle.

“What’s wrong, dude? Did you get your ass kicked?”

“Tiffany’s been cheating on me.”

Jamie’s laughter fades instantly, replaced by a somber tone. “…Oh.”

The silence stretches between us, the weight of my words sinking in. Finally, I speak again, my voice quiet, raw. “I deserved it.”

“What?! Why are you saying that?” Jamie’s tone is sharp, incredulous.

“Because I do.”

“Jeff…” Jamie’s voice softens, steady but firm. “You don’t deserve it. Don’t fucking say that.”

“I do deserve it, for what I did with you.” The words spill out, my chest tightening as I say them. “I’m no better.”

Jamie falls silent, and for a moment, the air feels heavy, suffocating.

“I would’ve cheated on her too, Jamie,” I admit, my voice breaking. “If you hadn’t stopped me—both times. I had no willpower to actually stop. I would’ve done more. I deserve this. I deserve her cheating on me because I wasn’t faithful either. This is karma.”

“Jeff, you would have stopped,” Jamie says, his voice steady but filled with concern.

“No, I wouldn’t have.”

“Yes, you would have.”

“Jamie, I wanted to fuck you so goddamn badly back in Nevada,” I say, my voice cracking as I clench my fist. The confession feels raw, even liberating, but the weight of it bears down on me, leaving me exposed and vulnerable. My body aches from the fight, my nose throbs, and I’m startled by my own lack of filter. I’ve never said it out loud before—never truly admitted it—but there it is. I wanted Jamie. All of him. And now, the truth is finally clear as day.

The silence on the other end stretches so long that I start to wonder if Jamie hung up. My emotions are a mess, the adrenaline from the fight still coursing through me, leaving me shaky and restless.

“Jeff…” Jamie’s tone softens, and I can almost hear the faintest smile in his voice. Wait—was he laughing?

“Dude, are you fucking laughing at me right now?!”

More silence. Yeah, he totally has himself on mute and is cracking up. I know him too well.

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