Page 82 of Bear's Heart

He ground his jaw together, teeth grinding.

“We’re being honest with each other, Bear.Tell me.Do you believe someone can love me better than you?”

“Physically, yes.Emotionally, no.”

“So, this is about sex.”

“It’s about sex and parenthood.It’s about what I can’t do—”

“But what about the things you can?What about your heart?What is wrong with that?Is it somehow damaged, too?”

He looked away, his chest on fire, his gut sharp with pricks of pain.“I can’t give you all the reasons why someone else can love you better, Josie, because I don’t know if anyone else could ever love you better than me.But what do I know?I’m all tangled up.When it comes to you, I have no clarity.I care so much for you it hurts.When you’re away from me, it hurts.When I think about you leaving and going halfway across the country I can hardly breathe.Your mom begged me to put you first and I’m trying.But Josie”—he turned his head, looked at her, unable to hide the tears in his eyes—“how am I supposed to be okay when you’re my heart?”

Josie knocked away tears of her own.“Mom shouldn’t have gotten involved.She should never put that guilt trip on you.Because it was a guilt trip.She acted as if I was some crazy codependent daughter who had no will of her own, no boundaries, no healthy sense of self.But my mom was wrong.I didn’t show up for my dad because I had to.I showed up for my dad because Iwantedto.There’s a difference.I didn’t remain close to my family because I lacked confidence.I was close to them because I was strong enough to handle their craziness and demands.”She patted her chest hard.“I’ve always known who I am.I’ve always known what I wanted to do.I’ve known since I was a little girl that I was put here to do good, to help others, to shine a light where I could.That’s not because I am empty and hollow.It’s because I’m focused.Determined.”

He bowed his head, closed his eyes, unable to feel so much pain and pressure.

“Bear,” Josie moved toward him, putting her hand on his thigh.“Look at me.”

He did.

She reached up to touch his cheekbone, his jaw, her touch light and tender.“I didn’t fall in love with you because I pitied you.I fell in love with you because I admired you, and respected you, and went all weak whenever you looked at me.I loved your face and your smile, the set of your shoulders and those scars wrapping your arm, earning you the name Bear.”

It hurt to breathe.His chest was raw.Josie kept using the wordloved.Not love.She’d loved him.But was it over?Was she done?

“What made me really want you, though,” she continued, “wasn’t your face or your laughter or anything superficial.What I loved was your determination to do for others, your determination to give back.You decided to take what you’ve earned and do something important with it and I couldn’t be prouder.Your goals became my goals.Your dreams echoed my own.They didn’t replace mine.They felt like mine.You see, we both had wanted the same thing.”

Have I lost you, Josie?The words were there on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t speak, couldn’t say them.

“Tell me, Bear, why was it so wrong for me to admire you?You don’t drink.You don’t do drugs.You don’t lose your temper.You give and ask for nothing.You literally ask for nothing.So why can’t I want to give you something?Why can’t I give you my heart?Seems like is the least I can do.”

“Josie, I don’t want you to leave.”The husky words were ripped from him, his voice strangled.

“I don’t want to leave either, Bear, but I have to.I am livid with my mother.Livid with my father.Why didn’t Rye and Ansley come to me sooner and tell me the truth?Why didn’t you tell me the truth?I can’t do these secrets and games.”

“I don’t think anyone meant it that way.I think your mom wanted the best for you.Just as your family wants the best for you.”Just as I want the best for you.

And then it hit him, the problem, the source of all this confusion.Bear didn’t know what was best for her.No one did.No one could.Josie was the only one who knew what she needed.And she’d never been consulted.

As if able to read his mind, she added.“My family didn’t trust me to make that decision for myself.They couldn’t respect that I’d have an opinion, that I would know what I needed.Wanted.”She exhaled hard.“Why do people assume that just because I have the capacity to love, that I lack the capacity to think?How can everyone assume that I’m so tenderhearted that it’s made me scatterbrained and helpless?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not helpless.I’m not weak.If anything, I am stronger than everyone knows.”Her chin lifted.“I can leave here and not look back.I can cut everyone off if I need to prove that I’m an adult and independent and perfectly able to put myself first.”

“I’d hate for you to cut everyone off, but yes, you should put yourself first.It’s time.”

She just looked at him, that small mirthless smile on her lips.It was disconcerting to say the least.Bear flexed his hands on the steering wheel.“What can I do to help you?”he asked, voice pitched quote low.“Is there packing you need done?Any arrangements I can help you with?”

“No, I have everything in control.I’m just working on some logistics, where to stop at night, places to stay, but I’m enjoying the planning.My first solo adventure.”

“Were you going to say goodbye?”

She hesitated, lips pursed.“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because we already did that.Remember?It about killed me the first time.I’ve finally recovered and have no interest in going through any of that again.”

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