Page 114 of Pretty When He Bleeds

I swallow, nodding once before forcing myself to tear open the envelope. The paper inside is thick, heavier than I expected, and my fingers shake slightly as I unfold it.

Then, I breathe and I start to read.

—

Roman,

I already know you’re blaming yourself. I know you’re sitting there, reading this, thinking of a thousand ways you could have stopped this. I need you to stop, babe. Please, this was never your fault.

Nothing you could have done would have changed my mind. This wasn’t a decision I made lightly… it was one a few years in the making. I hate that I’m doing this to you. But I can’t keep pretending I’m okay, because I’m not. I haven’t been for a long time.

Loving you was the best thing I’ve ever done. The easiest thing I’ve ever done.

You were my best friend. My first love. Myonlylove. The happiest moments of my life were the ones I spent with you and knowing I was loved by you. I wish I could have been stronger. I wish I could have been brave enough to say it out loud when I was still here. But I wasn’t.

I overheard a phone call between Damon and my dad tonight. I wasn’t eavesdropping. I just... heard it. He must’ve found out that Damon is gay because the shit he said was so fucked up. I heard the way he spat hateful words like my brother was something to be ashamed of, something dirty. And I realized that if that’s what he thought of Damon, there was no hope for me.

I don’t blame D, I need you to understand that. That call might have been the final shove, but I was already standing at the edge.

The only sure thing in my life was you. But I can’t pretend I’d ever be brave enough to be yours out loud. And you… babe, you deserve that. You deserve to be loved openly. You deserve to be loved in public and not feel like someone’s dirty secret.

And you will be. Someone will love you that way, Roman. I’m sorry that it won’t ever be me.

I had a dream last night where I saw you and Damon together. He was holding you, and fuck, I’ve never seen you look that happy before. It felt like the universe was trying to tell me something, like it was showing me where you were supposed to be.

I hope you get there when I leave. I hope when you read this five years from now, that you’ve stopped blaming yourself. I hope you’ve let yourself move forward without me. I hope you know that wherever I am now, I still love you. I willalwayslove you.

But please, Roman, don’t carry this for me. Don’t carry my pain or blame yourself for not seeing a change in me. Remember, I’ve been hiding our love for years, lying and denial became all too easy for me.

Live. Find love. Be happy, and don’t let Damon push you away when he eventually comes to you. He’s going to try, you know. He’ll find a million ways to tell himself he’s not good enough for anything. A million ways to convince himself he doesn’t deserve to be cared for. Don’t let him.

Take care of him for me. Take care of yourself from now on.

I love you. I’m sorry.

Cay

—

My hands are shaking.

I let out a shuddering breath, my chest tight as I stare at the words, reading them over and over like maybe if I do, they’ll change. Like maybe he’ll tell me something different, something I want to hear.

I swipe at my face, but my vision is already blurred, my throat tight. I look at Damon, whose face is unreadable, but his eyes—those eyes that see right through me—are locked onto mine.

Without a word, I place the letter in his hands and he stiffens. I feel more than see the hesitation and fear before he swallows and takes it from me. The room is silent except for the sound of his breathing, slow and uneven as he reads. I don’t move. I just watch.

I watch his fingers tighten around the paper, watch the way his jaw tenses, the way his throat bobs when he swallows. I feel the way his body goes rigid beneath mine, like he’s trying to keep himself together, trying not to let this break him apart.

And then, something cracks.

His hands lower slightly, his head bowing forward. His lips part, his breath shuddering out, and I see the moment it hits him. The moment it destroys him.

Damon’s shoulders tremble, his hands curling into fists against my waist. He drops the letter beside us and pulls me into his chest. His arms lock around me, his face pressing into my shoulder as he exhales hard, like maybe if he lets it all out, it won’t suffocate him.

I don’t say anything. I just wrap my arms around him and hold on.

He’s shaking. I feel it against my chest, the way his body fights against the weight of everything, the way he’s trying to contain something uncontainable. I feel the way his fingers dig into my back, the way his breath hitches like he’s choking on something he doesn’t know how to release.

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