Page 103 of Pretty When He Bleeds

I know better now. But it’s too late for me because I can’t be strong like you. I can’t survive this the way you did, giving the middle finger to anyone who fucked with you and being true to yourself. I wish I could, D. I fucking wish I could be like you.

So here’s the truth: I’m gay.

I’m gay, and I’ve been in love with Roman Bishop for three years.

I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know if you’d hate me for it. You always seemed so distant when it came to Roman, and I never understood why you disliked him so much. But if you’re reading this, then I’m not here anymore, and that means there’s something I need to ask of you.

Please look after him.

When I leave, he’s going to be broken. And I can’t stand knowing I’m going to break him. So please. Just… try. Try to be there, even if you don’t want to be. I know it’s a big thing to ask, but you’re my big brother and the one person I trust more than anything.

I keep thinking about that night before you left for Blackthorne U.

We were supposed to be asleep, but I snuck into your room like I always did, and you were already awake, shoving clothes into that duffel bag you never properly packed. I remember sitting on your bed, watching you try to cram too much shit into too little space, and I asked you if you’re excited to leave.

You didn’t answer at first. Just shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. But I could tell, Damon. I could always tell when you were faking it.

I wanted to be happy for you. I wanted to say ‘Yeah, you’re gonna kill it at Blackthorne’ and mean it. But I was selfish. I didn’t want you to leave. You were the only person who ever made me feel like I wasn’t completely invisible.

That’s why I convinced you to sneak out that night.

Remember how we grabbed our boards and skated all the way to that shitty 24-hour diner? The one with the peeling red booths and the jukebox that only played songs from the ’80s? We sat in the corner with greasy burgers and milkshakes that tasted like freezer burn, and we talked about the stupidest shit.

I remember the way you laughed when I tried to flick a fry at you and missed so bad it landed in some trucker’s coffee. I thought we were about to get our asses beat, but you just smirked and said, ‘Damn, kid, maybe hockey isn’t your sport after all.’

And I laughed, Damon. I laughed so fucking hard because it was just us. No expectations, no pretending, no weight crushing my chest. Just my big brother and me, in the middle of the night, being dumbasses over cold fries and stale diner coffee.

But the best part wasn’t the diner, it was what came after.

We skated to that hill just outside of town, the one we always went to when we wanted to get away from everything. We sat there, side by side, watching the sky shift from black to purple to soft shades of orange. The air was cool, the world still quiet, and I remember thinking how I wished this moment could last forever.

Because the second the sun was up, you were leaving.

I wanted to tell you everything that night. I wanted to say I don’t want you to go and I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you here. I wanted to tell you that I was scared. That I felt like I was standing on the edge of something dark, and every day it pulled me closer. That I didn’t know how to stop it. That I needed you.

But I didn’t. Instead, I sat there, watching the sun rise with you, memorizing every second of it because I knew it was the last time I’d feel okay.

I wish I told you, D. Maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe you would’ve helped me the way you always did. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so fucking alone.

But I didn’t tell you, and now it’s too late. I know you’re probably pissed at me for this. I know you’re probably thinking that I could’ve fought harder, that I could’ve reached out, that I could’ve stayed. But Damon, I was so tired.

I was tired of waking up every day feeling like I wasn’t enough.

Tired of pretending to be something I wasn’t.

Tired of knowing that no matter what I did, I would never be the son Dad wanted.

I heard the things he said to you on the phone earlier. I wasn’t supposed to, but I did. I heard every single word and it broke me.

I realized right then that there was no escape. That no matter how much Roman loved me, no matter how much I dreamed of a future where I could just be with him, it was never going to happen. I could never be happy in a world that told me I was wrong just for existing. And there was no way I would drag him into the darkness with me because he deserves someone who will love him openly, someone who isn’t a coward.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could’ve been more like you. But I’m not, D. I never was. But you are, and if you can find a way to move forward, if you can find a way to keep living in spite of everything, then maybe… maybe that’s enough for the both of us.

Please don’t hate me, and please try to love yourself.

I love you, big brother. I always will.

Caleb

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