Page 40 of Wanting Happily Ever After

He nodded and blinked hard, but not before Sarah saw the glisten of the unshed tears in his eyes.

If it had been up to Sarah, she never would have chosen a cemetery as Josh’s final resting place. In hindsight, ithadbeen up to her as Josh’s wife, but his parents had felt strongly about putting him to rest in the Mountain Meadows cemetery, the same as his grandparents before him had been. Not that they ever visited since they moved to the city a few years earlier, but they’d cared so much that Sarah had let it happen.

She and Josh had never actually discussed what they wanted when the accident happened—why would they have? They were young and healthy and had their whole lives ahead of them.

Or so they’d thought.

With the arrogance of youth, they’d assumed they were untouchable.

Even though Sarah had never loved the cemetery, and would have preferred to have scattered Josh’s ashes into the river the way he would have loved, she’d grown to like it in a way. There was a special kind of peaceful quality. And as silly as it sounded, she did feel a little bit closer to Josh when she sat next to his headstone, with the pine trees at her back, gazing out at the mountains that surrounded them. Not that she’d visited lately. The last time was in January, on his birthday, and she’d brought Rory, who’d built a little snowman next to his headstone.

She put a simple bouquet of daisies that she’d picked from her dad’s garden next to his headstone as she sat down and crossed her legs.

Sarah put her hand on the granite, and let the heat of the stone warm her through. “Hey,” she said softly. “Happy anniversary.” She smiled, but there were no tears. “I bet you thought I forgot.”

She chuckled, because it had always been Josh who’d almost forgotten their anniversary. Funny how time changed things.

“It would have been seven years today. Wow, huh?”

Sarah waited a beat, took a breath, and started talking. It had been a long time since she’d sat there and talked to him as if he were sitting next to her. For the first year or two after he’d died, she’d visited regularly. It helped her find some sort of normalcy in the chaos after he’d died. Josh had been her best friend for so long, the hardest part of losing him was knowing she’d never be able to talk to him the way she used to. He’d never again laugh at her for overthinking every little detail about a situation, or talk her down when she got overwhelmed with her to-do list, or even just sit there and nod as he was interested in every little thing while she talked about all the littlest details in her life. He’d been her sounding board. The one person who’d understood her better than anyone else. Josh had always known what she was going to say before she said it.

“It’s been a hot summer.” She usually started with the weather. “Hotter than that one when we graduated and the air conditioning in the high school went out. Remember that? We had all our classes by the river in the shade because the teachers couldn’t focus because of the heat.” She smiled at the memory of the way they’d all gather together in the shade of the pines. Hope and Levi would be cuddled up, sneaking kisses and trying not to get caught. She’d always been envious of their easy affection. Josh didn’t like to be affectionate in public, and so they’d sat next to each other, not touching and rolling their eyes at their friends.

Sarah shook off the memory. “Well,” she continued. “It’s hotter than that.” She swallowed hard. “In fact, it’s so hot I took Rory to the lake.” She waited a moment, as if he would reply. It was silly and she continued on. “She loved it, Josh. We built sandcastles and played volleyball and everyone came. It was a proper day at the beach. You would have loved it, too.”

She paused and took a deep breath.

“But that’s not why I’m here.” She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, hugging herself. “I came because I need to tell you how angry I am with you.” She exhaled hard. “You left me and that wasn’t fair. I don’t know if you meant for it to happen.” She squeezed her eyes tight. “I guess I’ll never know. But you know as well as I do that running away and going for a swim was bullshit, Josh. It wasn’t fair. And I’m so mad and it’s time I finally told you so.” Sarah worked hard to keep her voice even. “You were my best friend, and I didn’t deserve it to end the way it did. Especially because you knew I was right. I know that’s true, Josh. You just didn’t want to hear it. And it’s not fair what you’ve put me through. The guilt. The shame. The…dammit, I miss you, Josh.” Tears slipped down her cheeks then.

“You know how much I loved you. Rory didn’t deserve this. You missed so much. And it was all such a waste, because we both deserved so much better. You could have found a woman who lit you up and filled all the empty spaces inside you. And I know you would have.” She smiled at the thought because she’d had it before. More than once, she’d pictured the type of wife Joshshouldhave had. The wife she couldn’t have been for him. “And I deserved to have all that, too.”

Sarah dropped her head to her knees and let the tears flow. “It should have been so different. And it’s your fault. You left us and it didn’t have to be that way. It never should have been that way. I’ve been so angry at you for so long that I don’t even think I realized how mad I was.”

She sat that way for a few minutes, letting the tears soak her pants through to her skin. After a while, her tears stopped and Sarah sat up. She wiped her eyes and traced her hand over the carving in the headstone.

Son, Husband, Father

She let her fingers linger on the word in the center.

“I’m angry,” she said again. “But you know what? I think I need to be done being angry at you now, Josh. I can’t be mad anymore. It’s too much. And it won’t change anything.” She pressed her hand against the stone. “I’ve felt guilty for too long. It wasn’t just you who died that day and maybe that’s been the biggest tragedy of all.” She swallowed hard, as the feelings she’d kept bottled up for so long took their release. “It’s time to move on,” she said softly as she let her hand fall away from the stone. “I’ve been on hold for too long and now I know I’m ready.”

She slowly pushed to her feet and stood in front of her dead husband’s grave.

“I don’t know why you did it, Josh. I’ll never know. And I don’t think it matters anymore, because I’m letting you go now. I love you. I always will. And I forgive you.” She blew a kiss into her hand, bent, and pressed it to the top of the headstone before turning and walking back to her car.

It didn’t matter if it was one-sided. It was the hardest conversation she’d ever had. Even harder than the day Josh died. But unlike that day when a weight had settled heavily upon her, it was released now. Sarah had never felt lighter. Things were far from perfect, and she still had no idea what would happen next. But what she did know was that whatever it was that did happen, she would at least have a fighting chance to open her heart.

ChapterThirteen

Sarah staredat her reflection in the mirror and blinked hard. She never should have agreed to this.

It was a bad idea.

A very bad idea.

She reached up behind her and fluffed the veil that hung down her back.

Aveil.

---