Page 84 of Going Solo

“Cole, I’m not gonna lie, I’mnevergoing to be ready for that.”

“Never?”

Cole looked crushed.

“This thing, between us, it has to remain a secret.”

Cole let his hands drop. “For how long?”

“I told you, the minute there’s any link between you and me, my life becomes hell. Not only mine, my family’s too. I can’t go through all that again. And my family shouldn’t have to.”

Cole leaned back against the amplifier tower and let his head roll back, looking skywards. He buried his hands in his pockets and let loose a long, sad sigh. I wasn’t sure whether to leave, to speak, or to hold him. It must have been a full minute before he spoke.

“You know, I wouldn’t tell anyone about Jasper,” he said, finally. “For the whole eighteen months we were together. I wouldn’t let him tell anyone about us.”

“You weren’t out,” I said.

Cole rolled his head sideways, his eyes meeting mine. “I mean,noone. The band knew, obviously, and all the crew. But no one else. He never met my family. I never met his. He always complained about how shit that made him feel, but I never listened. I didn’t care.”

“Why not?”

“Jasper said I was ashamed of him.”

“I’m not ashamed of you,” I said.

“He was right. Iwasashamed of him.”

Cole wasn’t listening. He didn’t need my response. He needed to say what was on his mind. I sensed he’d been carrying this around for a long time.

“He was a shit boyfriend,” Cole said. “He had a lot of jealousy issues. He was incredibly controlling, and not letting him meet my family became the one little bit of control I felt I had over him. We were both taking a lot of drugs, which doesn’t help rational decision-making. It was a completely toxic relationship.”

I put my arm around Cole’s waist to coax him into a hug. His arms wound around my shoulders, enveloping me in his warmth, the smell of sweat and cinnamon.

“One night a photographer snapped us together on a beach in Florida, and we got into a huge fight because I got Totally Records to pay for exclusive rights to the photos to stop them being published. I wasn’t publicly out yet, but Jasper knew how much I wanted to be out. It was the perfect opportunity to do it. Once the photos were out, what could Felicity do? But I didn’t want people to know about Jasper. I couldn’t go on TV and say ‘Yes, I’m gay, and this is the man I love,’ which is Crisis Comms 101. Because I didn’t love him. Jasper was furious. We were both high. He started smashing up the hotel room, saying he was sick of being my dirty little secret. He slammed a champagne bottle through a glass coffee table. Then he tripped over a cord and fell straight into it. He ended up in the emergency department. I refused to go with him.”

I recognised this as the famous incident that led to a £20,000 hotel bill and, eventually, to Robbie Johnswagger’s intervention.

“He was so angry about that, he told the team I’d thrown him through the table and threatened to go to the press.”

“He never!”

“Thankfully, Jasper’s cuts and all the evidence supported my version of events, not his. Totally Records paid him a heap of hush money, made him sign an NDA, and at the end of the US tour he went off into the sunset, never to be heard from again. And I was finally allowed to check into rehab.”

“Cole, I’m so sorry. That must have been awful.”

“Rock and roll, baby,” he said, and kissed me on the forehead. “My point is, I feel like I’ve earned this karmic energy. If you’re not ready for the world to know about us yet, Tobes, that’s OK. But if this… thing… between us becomes a capital-TThing—and I genuinely hope it does—then I don’t want it to be a secret. I want the whole world to know.”

Cole’s eyes searched mine. He brushed his fingers through my hair and cradled my head in his hand.

“I don’t think I can give you that,” I said.

Cole’s thumb stroked slowly back and forth behind my ear, making my whole body tingle.

“I’ve waited a long time for you, Toby,” Cole said. “Precisely because I know you’re worth waiting for. It’s going to be torture, but I respect your wish.”

There was an explosion of relief in my gut, and the heat rose through my body in a mushroom cloud, destroying everything in its path.

“Thank you,” I said.

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