Page 40 of Going Solo

When Kennedy spectacularly revealed his homosexuality earlier this year, many media commentators and internet wagsters wondered whether Lyngstad might finally get his shot with Cole Kennedy. It turns out that while we were laughing at Lyngstad, the real joke was on us!

Almost six years after not winningMake Me a Pop Star

Tobias turns “Dorm Room” triumph into radio gig

“Celebrity Dorm Room” fan favourite Tobias Lyngstad will replace Raluca Albescu as the presenter of PureFM’s “Pop Review.”

Last month Lyngstad came third in the reality TV show, which locks has-beens, wannabes and internet-famous people no one over the age of 13 has heard of before into a room together and then broadcasts all the crap they say to one another.

Fans of “Celebrity Dorm Room”—an inexplicably enduring piece of television detritus—fell in love with the cheeky hairdresser from Colchester. Lyngstad spoke candidly about the humiliation his early “Make Me a Pop Star” fame caused him, his teenage relationship with the future Go Tos superstar and the time an unnamed Sugababe fell asleep on his waxing table.

In a statement, PureFM said: “Tobias’s personality, his humour, his passion for pop music, are too fabulous to be contained to his mum’s salon. The fans have spoken. They want more Tobias! We couldn’t agree more. Join him every Saturday afternoon at midday for four hours of seriously entertaining pop music news, gossip, exclusives and waxing-table revelations.”

Albescu announced last spring she was leaving “Pop Review” after five years in the hot seat to become a co-host of the new series of “Britain’s Cake Off”—making her the primary reason men across Britain will join their families on the couch each Sunday night to watch it.

Almost six years after not winningMake Me a Pop Star

PartThree

TEN-AND-A-BIT YEARS AFTER MAKE ME A POP STAR

ChapterSixteen

Tap. My microphone was live. The end of the potential next big hit for Manu Fernandez was fading out.

“What do we think, pop tarts? You know the drill.”

I hit the button that fired off the sweeper giving the chatline number. I was riding the faders on the desk, playing with the levels. From the corner of my eye, I saw Nick glide into the news booth.

“Use the hashtagManu. This isPop Review. I’m Tobias Lyngstad. Coming up after the news at three, the new one from Jocasta Rose. Big day for new music. Don’t go anywhere.”

Tap. I fired off the ad break.Tap. My microphone was off. The promo was still telling the audience thatPop Reviewtakes… pop… seriously, when there was a crackle in my ears.

“Tobes,” Nick said. “It’s dropped.”

“Shit.” I looked up, meeting my best friend’s eyes on the other side of the glass. “Is it any good?”

“I don’t know, it literally landed five minutes ago, but it’s going to be bigger than Queen Victoria’s knickers, obviously. They sent a whole PR package, with audio and everything. I barely had time to write the bulletin and clip it up. You might want to prepare yourself.”

The news theme played out, and Nick’s smooth Aberdonian voice told the listeners it was three o’clock.

“Cole Kennedy’s highly anticipated first solo album since ditching the Go Tos three months ago has dropped,” Nick said.

“CalledThe Flame, the album features twelve tracks, all written by Kennedy himself, and a new rock-influenced sound.

“Kennedy posted on his social media: ‘I am reborn. I am free! Thank you so much to all my beautiful Kenneddicts for your love and support as we start this new adventure. This is for you.’”

I wanted to heave. His “beautiful Kenneddicts”? Cole’s fans were terrorists in velour tracksuits, keyboard warriors for a toxic pop culture cult.

“The first single from the album is called ‘Reborn,’” Nick said, firing off a clip of the track. I was hit by a wall of soaring strings and a solid rock beat. It was a sound to lift the soul. It was going to be a stone-cold hit, and I hated Cole for that.

“FormerBuzzsaw frontman andMake Me a Pop Starjudge Robbie Johnswagger has describedThe Flameas ‘a love letter to real music from a soul set free.’”

Nick fired off a clip of Johnswagger speaking.

“The Flameis a soft rock / synth spectacle unlike anything we’ve heard from Cole since he stood on pop’s most plastic stage and served us Nirvana’s ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ with an authenticity that would have had Kurt Cobain weeping with joy. To all the ‘Let Cole be Cole’ campaigners of the past decade, this is your reward. Thisalbum vindicates your belief in him. Cole Kennedy is a true talent.”

I put two fingers in my mouth and mimed vomiting. Nick, ever the professional, managed not to laugh as he finished reading his report.

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