Page 33 of Going Solo

“I don’t want to! I’m sorry. I tried to reason with them. They didn’t give me a choice. It’s only until this is all over, then we can be together.”

I scoffed my disbelief and disdain. My whole body was numb, but at least I finally knew where I stood.

“Listen,” Cole said, “a Totally Television lawyer is going to contact you about signing a non-disclosure agreement.” Nothing would have surprised me by this point. The rabbit was already dead, why not reverse over it? “It’s to protect us both, you know?”

“Bothof us?” I laughed.

There was silence on the other end of the phone.

“I’m sorry,” Cole said. He sounded like he meant it, but I wanted to hurt him for epically disrespecting me.

“I’m not signing an NDA.”

“Please, you have to,” Cole said, a little too quickly. “Felicity said otherwise I’ll be walking around with a loaded gun pointed at my head and you could pull the trigger at any time.”

“You think I wouldoutyou, Cole? Really?” My voice was fizzing with anger. “Do you seriously think so little of me?”

“People do crazy things, Toby,” he said, then added, meekly, “Especially when they’re angry.”

“I would never ‘out’ you,Cole.” I spewed as much venom as possible into his name. “That’s Queer Code 101. So, no. Respectfully, you can take your NDA, roll it up into a ball, and shove it up your arse.”

“Toby, please. I need you to sign it.”

I was so angry I was shaking. “You think you need me to sign it because they’re dangling fame and fortune in front of you. You might feel like you’re walking around with a loaded gun at your head, but one day you’ll be begging me to pull that trigger—because one day, Cole, you’re going to be sick of not living your truth.”

“Please, Toby. Don’t do this to me.”

“I’m not doing this to you, you’re doing this to me, and I can’t get my head round it. Like an idiot, I loved you. I can’t believe you’re mugging me off. It’s bang out of order!”

“You… love me?”

“Ihateyou.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do.” And I did. I meant it.

“I’m so sorry.” Cole was pleading now. I could hear him crying on the other end of the phone. I imagined his eyes all puffy and red, his swooshy hair getting stuck in his tears.

“Well, you should have thought of that before. How did you think this was gonna play out?”

“I thought you would understand!” Cole’s voice was scratchy. “You would do the same. You know you would. Felicity?—”

“Fuck Felicity. I made one stupid joke, and she’s literally ruined my life.”

“She made you famous. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Famous for doing something worthwhile, not for being a melt!”

“But you can still leverage it, right?”

“Piss off, Cole.” I’d had enough. I wanted out of this call. “I’m not signing your NDA. I’m going to say it as it is: You donothave a gun pointed at your head. But I’ll gladly let Felicity think she has a gun pointed at hers.”

“Why are you being so petty? Is revenge more important to you than I am?”

“Is fame more important to you than I am?”

“You mean sharing my music with the world?” Cole said. “Toby, this is my dream.”

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