Page 29 of Going Solo

“God, I need a spliff,” she said.

Over the next few days, I got hundreds more texts and calls. Some supportive. Some vicious. Some from the press. What absolutely killed me was not one of them was from Cole.

The internet’s 10 best jokes about “marriage material guy”

Move over, Jamie Struff, a new “Make Me a Meme Star” is born! Enter stage left, our freshest national embarrassment, Toby Lyngstad.

@antsypantsy92:Ladies, if a 16-year-old chav from Essex can have the church booked and the dress ready to go four hours after meeting a smokin’ hot dish in the street, then your man has no excuse for his commitment issues. #respectyourself #marriagematerial

@247aggression:The only place he gettin laid is his damned sunbed.#marriagematerial

@maddiethegreat:That sound you heard was the entire nation sucking air in through its teeth. If we could have harnessed that energy, we could have powered a JCB earthmover long enough for Toby to dig a hole and bury his deceased arse. #marriagematerial

@charliee2thef:Cole rejecting him may have saved Toby’s life. NOTHING is more powerful, terrifying or ruthless than a mob of teenage girls obsessed with a popstar and Cole Kennedy is 100% a STAR. They’d have killed him. #lambtotheslaughter #isurvivedbeiberfever #deadonarrival

@makemeapoostar:Do you ever feel, like a tragic chav/who’s now a laughing stock, wanting to start again?/Did you ever go, on a TV show/and ask a random boy, if he will marry you? #makemealaughingstock #firework #katyperry

@princess_jen:Cole: *sings You Got It*

Toby: I want it.

Cole: Not you.

@AbsolutelyDrakulous:To be fair, that’s unlikely to be the only proposal Cole gets during this season of Pop Star. Johnswagger’s so hard for him the judges’ desk is on a weird angle. #makemeapopstar

@born2switch:As someone who NEVER knows what’s going to come out of my mouth when I start speaking, I find Toby so relatable!!! Did you see Cole’s FACE? I’d be like, “if you want to stop the stupid shit coming out of my mouth, put something in it!” #marriagematerial

@ennameenashinymo:Toby’s skin is so orange he must have thought Cole was giving him an amber light but that signal was fully red! This is what happens when you do not proceed with caution. #LearnYourHighwayCode #marriagematerial

@minesafryup:Cole’s marriage material must be Kevlar cos ain’t nothing getting through it! #makemeapopstar

ChapterTwelve

An empty shampoo bottle glanced off the side of my face, hit the computer screen, and skittered across the salon counter, burying itself among the stationery.

“Ouch!”

“Didn’t you hear me?” Aunty Cheryl said. “The towels are finished in the dryer. Can you fold them please.” She turned to Mrs Fitzpatrick, who was having her freshly blue-rinsed perm set. “Love the bones of him, but honestly, who’d have kids?”

“I had twelve,” Mrs Fitzpatrick replied.

“Jesus, love.”

I got up and walked to the back of the salon in a stupor. I’d been in a daze since Saturday night. It was now Thursday lunchtime, and I still hadn’t heard from Cole. I wanted to be at home in bed, but Mum had insisted I come into the salon to help out.

“How’d your fanny hold up with all them kids?” Aunty Cheryl asked.

“By the fifth one I didn’t even put down my knitting. She shot out of me like a Nissan Micra out of the Blackwall Tunnel. I haven’t sneezed with confidence since 1972.”

I’d just opened the dryer when I heard the doorbell tinkle. I craned my head to see if I was needed at the counter, but it was only Mum and Gaston coming back with lunch. I squatted to pull the towels out of the dryer, the heat of them radiating through my leg and the fresh smell of laundry powder filling the air. Gaston nuzzled against my bum, his nose cold and wet against the exposed skin where my jeans had pulled down.

“They didn’t have any chicken and avocado left, bubby, so I got you the Caesar,” Mum said, plonking the salad bowls down on the benchtop. “Thanks for doing that, Tobes.” She leaned down to kiss me on the head. “Any news from Cole yet?”

I shook my head.

“Look, I been thinking. Why don’t you give Orla a call? Find out whether something serious has happened or if he’s mugging you off. Cos all this moping ain’t healthy, Tobes.”

“Can you do it?” I said, standing to dump the pile of towels on the benchtop.

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