Page 14 of Going Solo

Cole:People think I’m this super confident guy but in reality I feel like a lost little boy.

That took me by surprise.

Cole:I’ve always been the kid of slightly the wrong colour. Now I’m the wrong sexuality, too. I can’t shake the feeling I’m living in the wrong country, maybe growing up in the wrong religion, and certainly in the wrong culture. I’m forever grateful for the life Mum and Dad have given me but I can’t escape the thought I don’t belong here. That I might have another family out there. I don’t know who I am. And they might not even know I exist.

I swallowed, unsure how to reply. I had been expecting him to say “sometimes I take a piss in the garden” or “I like to jerk off in the barn.”

Toby:Thats so sad, babes. Im sorry. So u no, n this is me bein honest with u, I think ur amazing as u r.

Cole:Thanks Mr. I just feel like I need to know more about where I come from. A few years ago I asked mum about my birth parents but she didn’t know much. Apparently, the agency they fostered me through didn’t have any information about my father at all. It seemed to upset her so I never asked again. So, here I am. A lost little Cole.

Toby:Wld u ever try 2 find ur birth parents?

Cole:Nah. It’d kill mum and dad. I don’t want them to think they’re not enough. I’d hate that. They’re the best.

I started to type something reassuring, but Cole messaged again, clearly ready to change the subject.

Cole:Anyway, what’s YOUR big secret?

Toby:Was gonna say I piss in the garden sumtimes but i’ll have 2 cum up w sumthing else now.

Cole:Everyone does that. Come on. You can do better.

I could. I had no shortage of shortcomings to share.

Toby:Just gonna say it as is.I hate the way i look. Face is 2 chubby. Skin is see-thru. Teeth are crooked. Hate everything abt the reflection in the mirror. When i walk up the street, i worry ppl r laughing at me. Any ‘confidence’ you see is a lie.

It took a minute before three little dots began to ripple across my screen.

Cole:You’re beautiful exactly as you are.

Cole:And your face is NOT chubby.

Cole:And your arse is deliciously round and I can’t stop thinking about it. That’s probably what people are noticing when you walk up the street.

I cringed. I’d spent so long wanting a boy to see me the way Cole said he saw me. But in a couple of days Cole would be standing in front of the real me, in person, instead of staring at an image of me on a screen. And for all we’d been friendly and flirty and even occasionally quite a bit sexty on the phone, there was no guarantee that chemistry would translate when we were stood in front of each other. Our online banter was comfortable, familiar. In person was a new ball game altogether. What if he saw me and realised I was disgusting?

Cole:And I KNOW you don’t believe me, Toby, but when I see you on Saturday, I’ll prove it to you. I won’t leave a single doubt in your pretty little head. :P xxx

Cole:PS. I have a surprise for you when I see you!

ChapterSeven

The little bell above the salon door tinkled, and adrenaline flooded my body like rosé floods Aunty Cheryl’s bloodstream every night from half past five. I looked up from my phone to see Orla Kennedy stride in. She was followed by a shorter, rounder version of herself—Fiona—who was followed by Cole. No leather jacket today, but he was carrying his guitar like he never left home without it. He was in a vest and a zip-up hoodie open to the waist. The sleeves weren’t wide enough for his biceps. He looked well fit.

“You orright?” I said, leaning over the counter to kiss Orla on the cheek.

Mum shouted hello from across the salon, and Orla waved back.

“This is Cole’s big sister, Fiona,” Orla said, turning her attention back to me. “She’s home from Cambridge for the summer. She’s studying law.”

Fiona blushed with embarrassment. Orla probably bragged about that at every opportunity. I leaned over for an air kiss and wished her a happy birthday.

“And you know Cole, of course.”

Cole offered me a hand to shake, as if we’d just played ninety minutes of heterosexual football and were off to heterosexually shower with our heterosexual teammates. I grabbed his hand, pulled him into me, and pecked him on the cheek. The smell of him, his hand in mine, sent a charge through my body.

The whole salon had gone quiet, as if everyone knew exactly what was going on. Cole blushed. I looked down at the booking ledger, trying to appear charming and professional, but my nerves had kicked in.

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