Page 10 of Unmasking You

But I’d deserve that because that’s what I did to him.

No. You didmuchworse.

Jamie pushes a wooden gate open, and then they’re out of view.

My hand goes to the door handle, my body ready to follow them because I can’t seem to let go of the obsession Jamie has become. If I’m not spying on him like today, I’m reading everything I can find on him, trying to catch up from being out of his life for ten years. And yet, what I discover is not enough… I want to know the insignificant details. Does he still like to bake, or does he still collect comic books? Jamie has always been a marvellous mix of behaviours, and it always left me surprised.

Every rejection makes me want to be with him more. Every rejection is a way to be seen, not to be ignored. My behaviour is wrong, but I can’t stop myself from doing it again.

Even though I know I shouldn’t, I exit the car and take the same path Jamie took a minute ago.

They’re easy to spot as they stand in the middle of the park. I don’t see anything else around me with my eyes focused only on Jamie. The smile he has is the same one he shared with me at the charity event and one I’m dying to see again. The smile I know he will never share with me again.

I hide behind a tree so I can watch without being seen. I commit each moment to memory because I’m sure we’ll reach a point where these memories will be all I have. For now, though, I’ll take what I can.

Why is my heart beating as fast as it was then? Why is my heart filled with the same need to be with him? My interest should be in making amends, not in finding ways of making him happy and staying by his side until those beautiful eyes can’t see anyone but me.

My phone rings and I pull it out of my inside pocket. My eyes remain trained on Jamie because I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t even glance at it before hitting the green button to answer.

“Yes?” I whisper, making sure no one can hear me.

My father’s voice fills my brain, and I close my eyes because I already know something bad is going to come out of his mouth.

“Where are you?”

“I’m getting there.”

A long silence is the response to my words. “We have a meeting in thirty minutes, and I want you here.”

“I don’t have any meetings scheduled today.”

“You have one when I say you do. Be here on time, or you know what will happen.”

“Yes sir.” I hate how he can control me like this.

Another glance at the man playing with his dog, and every ounce of fight leaves my body. I hate letting my father win, but at the same time, losing the only thing that makes me worthy is something I can’t accept.

If my dad takes away the foundation from me, I’ll let those people down like I did Jamie. I’ll be only a monster again. There’ll be no redeeming myself from my sins. I’ll never be able to face the man across from me and explain to him how hard I tried to make amends. I’ll be the scum he thinks I am.

I don’t think he hears my reply because the line goes dead while I’m still talking. I lean my forehead against the tree, praying with all my might to refuse for once, to tell him to go to hell, and to refuse every one of his whims. Instead, with a deep sigh, I lean back, stealing another glance at Jamie before I turn around and walk away.

One day… One day, I will choose me.

While I walk away, I can’t avoid looking back. Even if I know I shouldn’t, I’m deeply aware I’ll be here again soon.

I just can’t stay away.

Chapter 5

Jamie

I come to an awakened state, feeling as if someone is trying to restart my heart.

In a vain attempt to protect myself, my arms are in front of my face, and I’m gripping my elbows so hard my hands are hurting. The smell of sweat is suffocating me, choking me. The fear awakens my need to fight or flee. I slowly move my arms down, away from my face, still afraid I’ll come face to face with my nightmares.

My thoughts are all bungled, making old memories and reality merge, spiking my fear of being trapped in the past.

Whispered words fill the room, and it takes a while to understand it’s me. “This isn’t real… I’m no longer that boy.”

---