Page 49 of Unmasking You

I want to do to them what they’re doing to Jamie. Spit at them, punch them, and kick them until they’re begging me to stop, just like Jamie does.

Instead, I’m standing here a few feet away, pretending not to watch, pretending not to see, while I don’t miss anything they’re doing to him. I scream inside to let him go, and I cry inside when he does, but outside, I’m as cold as an iceberg and just as unbreakable.

My chat with Dan after the near kiss interrupted by them had been awkward, and that fucker had me by the balls. He saw everything, and no matter how much I denied it, he didn’t budge. He threatened to tell my dad everything, and that was what sealed Jamie’s fate.

And the stupid idea I’d had that if I stayed away from Jamie, they would stop,hewould stop… Instead, things are getting worse. Every new day is more fucked up than the previous one.

I’m betraying him like everyone else is doing, and unless I want my head served to my dad on a silver platter, there’s nothing I can do about it.

I hate to be a monster with Jamie, but I have monsters of my own I have to fight. They’re always watching, always looking for a moment of weakness, and I won’t allow them to win.

I can’t fail, or my life will be miserable, and I won’t even be able to see Jamie.

“Shano, my bro.”

I shiver in disgust. I’ve never seen anyone so similar to my father. Dan is the son my father would love to have. Shame he had me, a weak, selfish son who has made someone else’s life miserable to protect himself.

One day, I promise myself, I’m going to ask for forgiveness. One day, I’ll make them pay. But for now, I have to survive.

“All good, Danny. How’s you?”

“Ready for another day of enjoyment in school.”

His more wicked than ever smile tells me what kind of fun he’s referring to. I so wish he would just leave Jamie alone. That he would leaveusalone.

“Can we do something that’s real fun for once?”

“I’mhaving fun.”

“It’s getting boring.” I use my best bored face, but the glint in his eyes tells me he’s no fool.

“I’m having lots of fun, Shano. I wish you were having fun too.”

I’ll have to keep an eye on him. I didn’t like what they did last week at the pond, and I hated it so much when I had to push Jamie away.

A monster, that’s what I am. I don’t believe there’s redemption for what I did, what I’m still doing. One day, I’ll have to pay for my sins.

Chapter 17

Jamie

Ten Years Ago

I nearly jumped on the Tube track this morning.

The idea of coming to school, the idea of living another day like the days before this one, is impossible to fathom. The idea that death is freedom seems impossible to shake.

Only remembering my dad’s proud face, tired from working night shifts, and my mum’s overjoyed face at seeing me ready to go to a school they could never afford without a scholarship had stopped me.

Right now, I wish I wasn’t clever enough to go there. If I werenormal, I would have been in my old school and not fighting every day to stay alive. And I wouldn’t have had my heart broken by Shane Campbell.

I’m glad they didn’t notice the smell of food making me sick, but their joy was agonisingly painful and hurtful to watch. I wish I could tell them to take me away, to save me, but how could I face their sadness? How could I face disappointing them?

When I reach the school gate, I take my time looking around, hoping to spot them so I can walk in the other direction. But they seem to smell me, and they jump out of nowhere, scaring the shit out of me.

Their hands, touching me whenever and wherever they want. Those hands are what I hate the most. I recoil in disgust every time they try to grab me, and my stomach revolts every time they touch me. But they’re too strong, and there’s nothing I can do but endure it. When they’re gone, my stomach expels everything, leaving me breathless.

I walk slowly, hoping for something to happen, for someone to take me away. My insides are tighter than ever, and my skin is wet, even if it’s not that hot. It’s like I’m watching a ticking bomb, and today is the day it’s going to explode.

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