Page 116 of Family Bonds- Garrett & Justine

“It couldn’t have been easy,” she conceded.

“It wasn’t. And I knew or understood more what cancer was all about because of my father’s job. So there was this fear I was living with too. Maybe it’s hard for me to talk about now, and I’m sorry. I’m not making excuses, but you’ve got enough going on in your life too. I didn’t want to add to it for something that was from over twenty years ago. And because you do know about it more than someone else, you’d know and understand that too.”

He wasn’t wrong with anything he was saying.

“I just feel as if there is so much going on in my life that is out of control. I’m not sure how to get it back either.”

“Do you need to get it back?” he asked. “Can’t you just move through it like I am? Like we are doing together? I’m going to make mistakes. So are you. That is part of life. Not one of us is perfect or ever will be. I don’t expect it from a partner. Are you one of those people that does?”

“No,” she said. “I even told Jordan that there was nothing negative about you early on. You know that.”

“Which is wrong. Maybe you were looking for it and didn’t see it, and convinced yourself it wasn’t there, but it’s always there. I’m not naive enough to think it’s not with any partner.”

She nodded her head. “Like me running rather than dealing with something head-on.”

“Yeah,” he said. “You did it this morning too. You didn’t give me a chance to explain anything. Or for us to talk this out. You’ve changed since you’ve been here. You’re trying not to do the one thing you’ve always done, but when things get bad, you revert to your old ways. I’m not holding it against you though.”

“That’s why you came?” she asked.

“I came because I don’t run when it’s important enough and the woman I fell in love with hasn’t been running either, until today. I wanted you to know that I’d be here. That I wanted to talk it out. If it’s pushing you, then I’m sorry, but maybe you need to be pushed too. I don’t know that having hours apart stewing on this would be a good thing. I don’t want to let something that happened to me over twenty years ago come between us now because I didn’t tell you. It seems ridiculous.”

When he put it that way, it really did.

“It was a shock to see it.”

“What if it was something like acid reflux meds?” he asked. “Would you have been worked up? Or what if I just had thyroid disease and took meds to regulate it? There are so many other things it could have been.”

“I know,” she said. “But having been a cancer patient in your career and knowing the type of doctor you are, it’s all part of it. I told you that. I think that is why you put so much on your shoulders now too. You know what your patients have gone through so you put yourself in their shoes because you’ve been there. And by doing that, you take on their pain with yours. Maybe I don’t like that you do that.”

His shoulders dropped. “You’re not the first person to say those things to me,” he said. “And you’re not wrong. I think we both reacted strongly but for different reasons. I jumped the gun that you were thinking of me having cancer the same as others.”

“No,” she said. “I didn’t. I wouldn’t. Sometimes I think you know me so well and then I realize you don’t. And it reminds me it has only been a few months. We don’t see a lot of each other. We both have demanding jobs that take a lot of time away from the other.”

“Don’t put roadblocks up,” he said. “I can see you doing it and it’s going back to avoidance. Before this morning, we had no problem with the way our relationship was going, right? The amount of time we saw each other?”

“No,” she said. “I didn’t. Did you?”

“Not really.”

“Not really means that maybe you did,” she said exasperated. “Be honest.”

“You want honesty? Sure, I’d like to see you more, but that is on me and not you. If you want to spend the night when you have to work, go ahead. It’s not going to bother me if you have to get up and leave early. But maybe it would bother you if I got a call in the middle of the night.”

“No,” she said. “It won’t. I know what it’s like.”

“There you go. Something else we’ve been avoiding talking about. I know it’s only been a few months, but you only have a few months left too. So when do we start having these conversations? A few weeks before you’re supposed to leave?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I have thought of that. Not a timeline, but when we would have to talk about it.”

“How about we talk about it when it comes up? Or talk about it now? You know how I feel. I know how you feel about being here. Do I want you to make a decision today? No, and I wouldn’t ask that of you.”

Which she appreciated.

“I’ll have to make one at some point. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not going to hurt me,” he said. “I’d never ask anyone to do something they didn’t want to do.”

“Even if it hurt you in the end,” she said. “Because you’ve done that most of your life, Garrett. You take on other people’s pain and problems and don’t share your own. You have to stop doing that.”

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