Page 47 of Beachside Kisses With My Best Friend

“What then?”

And this is the moment—the one where I make a decision of my own. Not necessarily to know anything for sure, but to open up. To tell Jordan just how broken I am. To see what he does with that information.

My insides quake.

“It’s just that…” I blow out a breath.

“Hey,” he says, looking at me with a concerned ripple in his brow. “Come here.”

Jordan opens his arms and, weak woman that I am, I go. I sit right beside this man, my legs tucked to one side while I snuggle into him on the other. He’s solid and warm, and he holds me while tucking his blanket over us both. Then oh so gently, he tilts my chin up and watches me with his tender blue gaze. “What’s wrong, Lee? Talk to me.”

I am so touched by the absolute love radiating from this man that I can’t speak for several long moments. But finally, the words come as I set my head into the crook of his arm. “I’ve wanted nothing more my whole life than to be a mom. To be to someone else what my mom was to me—a safe space to nurture and grow them, to help them reach their potential. To pour out my love into a love that will never die, even when I do.” Tears fall onto Jordan’s T-shirt. I press my fingertips into them, feel the beating heart beneath his chest. “And Ryder… Well, he’s the most special little boy. I’m so grateful you’ve let me be in his life.”

“We’re both grateful you’re willing to be here. More grateful than you know.”

I nod. “But like you said. It’s temporary.”

“Our marriage contract, maybe. But not your place in his life.”

“Jay, eventually you’re going to get married for real.” Maybe to someone like Amy… “And then I’ll have to step aside, to just be a fun auntie. And I will happily do that, for both of your sakes. Because your happiness means the world to me.”

“Lee…”

My breath shakes as I exhale. I run my finger along the soft cotton of Jordan’s shirt. “The fact is, Jay, that Ryder is probably the only kid I’ll ever be a mom to. And I’m just determined to enjoy every moment that I get in that role.”

There. I said it. Admitted the truth in a roundabout way. Though, if I know Jordan, he will dig deeper until he knows the whole truth.

I brace, waiting.

Finally, the questions come. “You’re going to find someone else, Lee. Someone who you can love fully, who will love you the way that jerk never could. Just because one man disparaged his marriage vow to cherish you doesn’t mean all men would do the same.”

Is that what he thinks? My hand flattens against his chest, and I push up until I can look him in the eyes. “I know that, Jordan. You’re proof that there are honorable men out there.”

He blinks at me. “Then why do you say you’ll never be a mom again?”

Here we go. “I…I don’t know that I can actually have kids, Jay. I’ve already had three miscarriages.” The words hurt leaving my mouth, just the way they did each time I had to speak them to Donny, then again to Lucy, the only other person who knows about my hidden horror.

“Lee.” He breathes out the word like a prayer as his hand rises to cup my face, his thumb stroking along my cheekbone as his eyes melt into sympathy. No, it’s more than that. It’s empathy, like he’s feeling the pain right along with me. “I’m so sorry.”

“Me too.” More words get stuck in my throat, but I don’t need them. I think Jordan just knows. “Donny…” Tears come again, hot and fast. Ugh. I hate wasting even more tears on that jerk. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to cry.”

“Hey. It’s okay, Lee.” He holds me again. “You have a right to cry. You lost something precious, and I’m sure Donny didn’t make it easier on you.”

“He said…” My heart wrenches with the memories. “That it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t know why I couldn’t just get back up and act like things were fine. Why I couldn’t be fun anymore. Why I couldn’t be intimate—” Oh sheesh, why did I say that?

I can feel Jordan’s hand curl into a fist against my arm. “I never understood why…” He trails off, leaving me to wonder what he was going to say.

But honestly, I’m so tired of the wondering. I’m tired of everything right now except how it feels to be right here, in his arms. To feel understood and loved, whether as a friend or…maybe more. My brain decides now is the time to shut off. After the week I’ve had, I allow myself the luxury of sinking into Jordan, shutting my eyes, and falling into oblivion.

I wake up again—maybe it’s been minutes, maybe hours—tucked against Jordan’s chest as he carries me down the darkened hallway, nudging open the bedroom door with his foot and shutting it again behind us before depositing me gently on the soft mattress of his queen-sized bed. I can’t see his face, but I feel the covers going over me, hear the warm intake of his breath as he smooths my hair out of my face and whispers, “You deserved better, Lee.”

Then he places the gentlest of kisses against my forehead before starting to retreat.

And I’m not thinking fully—the edges of my mind still groggy with sleep—but I do know one thing.

I don’t want to be alone right now.

So before he can leave, I catch him by the hand. “Stay.”

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