Page 42 of Your Pucking Mom

“I’m tired of living for everyone else,” I said, shaking my head as the sun streamed into the apartment, warming up the room on this cold, fall morning. “I’m tired of not knowing who I am outside of being a mom or what my mother thinks of me.”

“You’re exhausted, Aubs, but life doesn’t have to be this way.”

I shook my head. “It absolutely does, though.”

“No,” Emma insisted, straightening so she was sitting up a little more. “Your mother instilled this into you during childhood. She told you every day how worthless of a person you were even though you were successful as shit in high school. For fuck’s sake, she blamed you when?—”

I raised a hand, interrupting her. “I can’t talk about that.” I couldn’t go there. It wasn’t the time, and truthfully, my mental load was at an all-time high. Emma seemed to understand and redirected the conversation.

I swallowed. “I flinched when he touched me, Emma,” I whispered, tears streaming down my cheeks.

“I’ll live with that night as one of the biggest regrets of my life. What you?—”

I shook my head, not wanting to hear her recount it. “I can’t talk about it, but I haven’t had a man come that close to me since that moment, and I was terrified and flinched.”

“You have to face those demons one day, Aubs. You have to be able to share that part of your story and show the world the scars.”

“They’re ugly.” We were talking about the scars I wore on my heart. I covered them up because that was what my mother told me I needed to do.

“They are beautiful, just like you.” She patted my thigh.

“My mother?—”

“Your mother has always told you how bad and terrible of a person you are, so at a certain point, you started to believe it. You worked so hard and sacrificed so much for your son, but now, you’re in your mid-thirties?—”

“Ew…” I cringed jokingly, trying to bring some lightheartedness to the conversation.

Emma ignored me. “We’re both getting older, and it’s finally time you live for yourself. You’re such a good mom, Auburn, but Austin has to learn from his mistakes. We did when we were his age.”

I shook my head. “But look at what my mistakes got me? I love Austin, but he certainly wasn’t in my original life plan. I wouldn’t want him to do something that suddenly somehow got him in trouble.”

“He’s already been in trouble, Aubs, and he’s found his way out of that trouble.”

“With my help,” I retorted.

“Listen, I’m not saying ditch him completely—that would be an asshole thing for me to consider. You’re his mom. What I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to make a selfish decision or two, and don’t walk around the next week with this massive amount of regret from sucking his captain off in his apartment.”

I groaned and ran a finger through my hair. “There’s one caveat.”

“Oh God…” Emma said.

I closed my eyes to say what I needed to as fast as possible. “I have to see him every away game.”

Emma sprang forward on the couch, crossed her legs in her ‘I’m listening pose’, and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. “Spill the beans.”

As I poured out the details to Emma, I couldn’t help but feel a mixture of frustration and resignation swirling inside me. The prospect of having to fly with the team on away games didn’t exactly thrill me, especially with what happened with Ledger. When I told my boss I was unable to work due to the away game schedule, I thought she would fire me on the spot, but was relieved to find she was understanding about the situation, considering the sporadic nature of the trips.

Then there was Ledger. Our situation had me feeling like I was tiptoeing around a ticking time bomb. We agreed that nothing would ever happen between us again. We would put what happened in the past, opting for a silent pact of avoidance rather than facing the awkwardness head-on—but as I recounted this to Emma, I couldn’t quite imagine what that would look like between us.

“Shit,” Emma said, taking a gulp of her coffee before setting it back down on the table. “That’s a lot.”

I nodded. “It is.”

She paused before a grin rounded her cheeks. “And what a surprise that I happen to be here today. I was planning on staying a day, but I think I can extend my trip.”

I cocked my head to the side. “What’re you talking about?”

“Austin’s first home game is tomorrow, isn’t it?”

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