Page 60 of Crash

The night continues with more dancing, food, and fun, and more neighbors arrive throughout the night.

“So, Vivi, how do you like working with the family so far?” Tracy asks as she joins the table with me, Sandy, Tash, and my aunt.

“It’s great. I love it there,” I say to her.

She starts to talk, but I tune her out when I spot a tall figure with long, blonde hair. Sure enough, Zoey is talking to Luke’s mother. She’s not alone, though. She’s with an older couple, the woman an older version of Zoey, in a dress much too tight and short for a woman of her age.

Lil takes Zoey’s hand and walks her over to Luke, who was having an animated conversation with his brothers and father. When he sees his mom with Zoey, the smile drops from his face as he frantically searches the room for me. When he finds me, he mouths ‘sorry.’

I turn away from him, relieved when no one says anything as I excuse myself from the table. I don’t know where I’m going, but I start to walk away from the party in search of a space to think. When I hear the kids laughing down the hall, I decide to follow their voices and join their private party.

Just as I’m about to turn the corner, I feel a giant hand grab my elbow. I use all my strength to walk away, but it’s like fighting with Big Foot. I don’t give up, though. I put a hand on his chest as I try to pull out of his grasp, but it’s useless. Without even breaking a sweat, he lifts me off the ground, throws me over his shoulder, and walks around the back of the house. He finds a staircase I didn’t even know existed and a few seconds later, we are inside a bedroom.

I know we’ve entered his room despite never having been in there before. It smells just like the room he uses at Jake and Sandy’s house. The room is huge with a California King bed in the center. His bed has a pile of clothes on it, but the rest is neat, with plenty of open space. There’s an area with a couch and a coffee table. Facing his bed is a giant flat screen TV.

He throws me on the bed, and I land the pile of clean clothes. I get up and start to run for the door, but he catches me around the waist and throws me back on the bed. I look around, but he’s blocking the door. My only escape is to run into the bathroom, but he must have read my mind because he shakes his head

“Don’t even think about it.”

“I wasn’t,” I say. “I don’t run from shit.” I get off the bed and stand in front of him.

“I didn’t invite her. Her parents live down the street and my mom invited all the neighbors. She does this every year, but this is the first time they’ve come since I was in high school.” He lays his hands on my shoulders. When I refuse to make eye contact, he takes my chin and forces me to look at him.

“You don’t have to explain, Luke. You don’t owe me any explanations.” My voice is high, and I can feel the color on my cheeks. I haven’t thought about Zoey in weeks, but all I can do now is think of her kissing him at the dinner table on Thanksgiving and the possessive way she held onto his arm.

“Bullshit. Don’t act like this thing between us is nothing. I do owe you an explanation because if the shoe were on the other foot, you’d owe me a damn explanation.”

I look around the room, and the differences between us have never been more obvious. He grew up in a huge house with loving parents and two older brothers who still dote on him. He spends money like it’s nothing. His type, a long-legged blonde, is downstairs waiting for him.

But he’s up here with you, Vivi,

“This is what I’ve always wanted to avoid my whole life,” I say to him, ignoring the voice in my head. “I don’t want to have to explain anything to anyone. Do you know what that sounds like? Like control. First, I’ll have to explain. Then I’ll have to tell you where I am every minute. And then I’ll have to ask you for permission to spend my money. No, Luke. My life will always be mine. I’m only twenty-one! That’s the same age my mother was when she got involved with my father. Do you know my mother is only forty-four years old, but she’s miserable in her life? These patterns repeat themselves. Her mother was probably miserable too, but I’m not going to make the same mistake. I’m breaking the cycle.” I’m frantic at this point. I yank my chin from his grasp and violently shove his hand from my shoulder.

As if I slapped him, he takes a step back. “You think I want to do those things to you, Vivienne? You’re using your parents to push me away, when I’ve done nothing but show you how much I care about you.”

“How? By sneaking into my room and screwing me every night?” I know it’s not true. I know my words are vile, but words are all I have.

“Bullshit! I told you I want to be with you. If you weren’t such a coward, we would have come to this party together, but you’re too spineless to make this real,” he yells at me.

“Make what real? We agreed to just sex, remember? I told you I wanted to explore my sexuality, and you said I can explore with you. I’ve explored and I’m ready to move on.” I can feel the tears in the back of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fill my eyes and fall. I stand tall and face him.

“Really? You’re saying beyond the sex, you don’t care about me at all? I’m going to lay it all here for you, Vivienne. I want much more than sex with you. I always did, and I only said this was only going to be physical to get you to agree. I care about you, and I want you to walk back down to the party with me. I want there to be no more Zoey’s or Blake’s in our lives. I want nothing but Luke and Vivi. The ball’s in your court.” He crosses his arms and leans on the door, waiting for me to speak.

I think about his words, and on one hand, I want to do what he says. I want to walk back downstairs on his arm, daring Zoey or anyone else to try and get close to him. But, on the other hand, I’ve never wanted a relationship. The only relationship I was around every day was a case study in dysfunctional marriages, and there is no way I’d want to repeat that. I don’t think there is any way to avoid it. I might not be controlled like my mother, but there is no way I possess the tools to make a man happy long term. Look at how I fucked it up tonight.

“I’m sorry, but I meant it when I said all I wanted was sex. I can’t offer you anything else, and I can’t offer you sex anymore either. Please let me leave.” He doesn’t say a word as his eyes bore into mine. I can see the pain there. I see the muscles in his forearms pulse and his usually plush lips form into a tight line. He opens his mouth to speak, but then he closes it.

For the first time, I’m the one who looks away, afraid of what he’ll see if he looks into my eyes. He steps away from the door, and I walk out without another word.

CHAPTER 33

LUKE

I’ll deal with the hurt tomorrow, but tonight is all about the anger. I count to one hundred before following her downstairs. I spot her immediately. She has her back to me, talking to Chris and Tash. Even with her back turned, I can tell her mood has shifted from the happy girl she was just a few minutes ago. After everything we’ve shared, she walks away, too scared to take a chance because of some bullshit her parents did. I was wrong about her. I thought she had guts, but she’s just as much of a coward as Tori.

Fuck her.

I spend the rest of the night with Zoey attached to my side, her lanky arm wrapped possessively around my waist. I’d like nothing more than to push her away, but the thought of Vivi watching us makes me pull her closer. I get her drinks, make her laugh, and ask her to dance. When we’re not doing any of those things, I keep her engaged in conversation. At one point, I tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear. Just as I planned, Vivienne watched the entire scene, but instead of claiming victory when I see the pained look on her face, I feel guilty for upsetting her.

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