Page 84 of Crash

Me:As if I would let anyone give me away. I’m walking myself down the aisle. Don’t you know me at all?

Luke:So, you’ve thought about it then? You want to walk yourself down the aisle soon or what?

Me: How about the 30thof NEVER!!

Luke: Spoiled rich boy, remember? I always get what I want.

Me: Get your rich, spoiled ass back to work!

He sends me the blowing kiss emoji. I slide my phone back in my pocket and start sorting the mail for delivery. This is the part of my job I love because I get away from the phone and get a sneak peek at the other departments, especially the accounting department.

The anxiety about what would happen to me after graduation has died down. My mom is positive she can get me hired at her company, but Mr. Clark wants me to stay on as well. As great as that is, I want to find something on my own, and for now I’m grateful neither of them knows about the interviews I have coming up.

Things with my mother have come such a long way since Christmas day. Our first therapy sessions together were hard, and when I told her what her indifference has done to me, we spent the majority of the hour crying and apologizing, but I told her I didn’t want any more apologies; I want to focus on moving forward.

Part of the therapy is being honest with each other, and she let it drop that my father has been trying to contact her. His voicemail messages alternate between blaming her for his problems and ordering her to move back home. He’s refused to even speak with a divorce lawyer and says the only thing wrong is with her.

“I don’t care what he says,” she said to me and the therapist. “If he doesn’t want a lawyer, that’s his choice. I’ve made mine. I can’t control him, and he needs to learn he can no longer control me.”

That was the proudest I’ve ever been of my mother.

It takes me about an hour to deliver all the mail throughout the building. By the time I get back to my desk, Luke is there fielding the calls. When I approach, he stands up and holds me my coat.

“Our weekend begins now. I convinced your very handsome boss to give you tomorrow off. Surprise!” Eager to find out where we’re going, I put on my coat and we’re out the door in minutes. He drives me back to the house where I’m given half an hour to pack. Soon, we’re on a train heading to New York City for the weekend.

“Since you couldn’t go to New York for the bachelorette party or any of the bridal things, I thought I’d take you. The only plans I made for us is ice skating at Rockefeller Center. Other than that, we’re free to roam the city and act like tourists.”

We talked the entire train ride to New York City with me in his arms. It was late by the time we arrived in the city. After checking into a hotel in Manhattan, we walked around the city and had dinner at an Italian restaurant called Bice Cucina. Afterward, we held hands and walked to Times Square while the harsh February wind turned both our cheeks bright pink.

Before going back to the hotel, we stopped by a café and had frozen hot chocolate.

“Hold on,” I say to him as I grab my vibrating phone out of my pocket. “My mom is FaceTiming.” When I accept the call, she’s holding the large bouquet of pink roses we sent her for Valentine’s Day. She doesn’t stay on the phone for long but tells us how much she loves the flowers and promises to meet us for lunch next week.

Later that night, after making love, we lay in the messy bed, limbs intertwined with his head resting on my chest. We’re silent as I stroke his hair with my fingers and kiss his forehead.

“Tell me what your plans are for your future, love,” he says, finally breaking the silence.

“I want to graduate in three months,” I begin.

“I plan on being there.”

“Get a job, take and pass the CPA exam, buy my own car, move into my own place, graduate school, travel,” I say.

“I want to be there for all of that,” he says.

“I want you to be there for all of it.” I stroke his hair again, my heart beating fast, unsure if I should say what’s on my mind.

“What? I feel like you’re holding back on me,” he says.

“I don’t just want you to be there. I need you to be, and that’s the scariest thing I’ve ever said. I always thought these feelings that I have for you would make me weak, but it’s the opposite. You’ve been there for me so much these past few months. I don’t think I would have been able to do it without you.”

“I know you would have been able to do it without me, but you won’t ever have to do anything without me. I want to be there for you through everything.”

“And I want to be there for you. It’s been one-sided, but you have me.”

“It has not. You’ve helped me in so many ways. You’ve helped me see what I thought was love before was nothing. It was a mirage. What we have is the real deal. We have what my parents have. What my brothers and their wives have. It’s not always pretty, but it’s always beautiful.”

I wake up the next morning with an emerald necklace draped around my neck. I had been nervous about my gift, but when he sees it, he laughs so hard he falls off the bed. We spend Saturday walking around the city, me wearing the Smurfette long-sleeved tee under my long winter coat, and Luke wearing his Papa Smurf shirt.

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