Page 63 of Crash

“Sweetie, it’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. When I met Jake, I had my own issues. I did everything I could to push him away, but he was persistent, and when we got together, it was the best thing I ever did. Vivi, look at me.”

I look up at her, and she wipes my tears away with her fingertips.

“What goes through your mind when you think of the word relationship? Don’t think about it. Just tell me.”

“Losing your autonomy. Always having to justify yourself to someone. Explaining yourself. Loss of freedom. Fighting. Misery. Control,” I spit out without any thought.

“Do you think those things apply to my marriage? Or with Tash’s marriage?”

“No, but you guys don’t have my father.”

“That doesn’t matter. You know why? Because of whoyouare. Despite your parents, look at you, sweetie. You have always known your own mind. You’ve always known what you wanted and have never compromised. You get to define what you want in a relationship. Whatever you want to do in this life, find someone who will stand by your side, fight for you, and cheer you on. No one can control you, take away your autonomy or your freedom unless you allow it, and we both know you’ll never allow that to happen. You don’t have to be alone because of your parents’ relationship. Vivi, that would be giving them the ultimate control.”

I just let Sandy hold me as her words sink in. I still feel empty, but I feel better. For the first time in days, I feel a sense of hope.

“I miss him, Sandy. He’s a big clown, but he’s so sweet. He’s a lot like Jake in some ways. He always wants to take care of me like Jake takes care of you. I care about him so much, but I’m so scared I chased him away for good.”

“Well, if he’s anything like Jake, he will let you make it right. He looked so miserable, so whatever you’re feeling, he’s feeling it too. All is not lost here. Explain why you did what you did.”

“Is it that easy?” I ask.

“If he feels the same way, yes. It’s that easy. Come on. Let’s go before Mama comes in here and starts asking questions.”

We walk out of the room with her arm around my waist. When we get back, Tash runs to me and hugs me and Steve hands me a cup of something that smells strongly of rum. The room is back to being loud, and when I look around, I notice my mother is gone.

“I told her to get out,” is all my aunt says.

“Mama,” Sandy chastises, “it’s Christmas.”

“Exactly, Deedee. It’s Christmas. Where was she at Thanksgiving? Where was she the past two months or the past twenty-one years? I want Vivi to have good Christmas, not to cry.” As if that settles it, everyone goes back to talking at once. I walk over and hug her, letting our closeness speak of what her support means to me.

“She hasn’t left, Auntie,” Steve says as he looks out the window. “She’s standing outside staring at the house.”

I walk over to the window to find my mother wiping tears from her eyes as she paces back and forth. She pulls her phone out of her pocket, and seconds later, my phone starts to ring.

“It’s okay. Let her in,” I say.

CHAPTER 35

VIVI

Twelve days after Christmas, I still have not spoken with Luke. The first week of the New Year is slow, with a quarter of the employees still out on vacation. As I leave the building for lunch, I walk past Luke’s office. Unable to help myself, I open the door, walk inside and sit in his chair. I can still smell him in this room. I lay my head on the desk and think about the first kiss we shared in this office before I get up to leave.

Luke is not the only missing Clark. In fact, the place is void of all Clarks. I found out from Sandy that Luke went on a spontaneous ski trip to Aspen with Tiffany and a few of her cousins from her mother’s side the day after Christmas. A week after Christmas, there was a death in the Clark family. Josh’s cousin, Eugene Clark, lost his wife after a long battle with ovarian cancer. The entire family flew to Scottsdale, Arizona for the funeral, including Sandy and Jake, who had to cut their Hawaiian vacation short.

I’ve called every day since Christmas, but the phone goes straight to voicemail. Some days I leave a message, and other days I’d just listen to his voice.

After having another tasteless lunch, I return to the office. The minute I step through the front door, I sense a change. The energy of the building has shifted. Despite it being the dead of winter, it’s like everything has suddenly come to life.

I approach the desk as Colleen is speaking on the phone. In the waiting area is a beautiful young blonde, looking at her reflection in a compact as she fluffs her long tresses. She’s sitting with her long legs crossed as she preens. She finally stands up, taking off the expensive wool coat. She’s immaculately dressed in tight black pants, knee-length high heeled boots, and an off-shoulder cashmere sweater.

It’s a slow week, with no interviews or meetings scheduled. I glance at the guest sign-in sheets. Victoria Palmer. The name does not ring a bell.

“Hey, Vivi,” Colleen says standing up. I tilt my head over at Ms. Palmer, who is now adding more lipstick.

“She’s here to see Luke.” My stomach drops at the sound of his name. As casually as I can, I take my coat off.

“Well, did you tell her he’s not here?”

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