Page 62 of Crash

“I can’t deal with her today, Auntie. I don’t know why she’s calling me. She hasn’t called me in almost two months.”

Part of the therapy I’ve gone through has helped me to understand that my mother has her own issues, and those issues have nothing to do with me, but knowing it in you your head and understanding it with your heart are two different things.

“But you run in here. Who you think it was?” she asks.

She comes into the room and sits next to me on the bed. She takes my messy hair and pushes it to the side. I meet her eyes as she waits for me to speak.

“Just a friend,” I say.

“A friend. Well, whatever happened with you and this friend, you fix it, okay. I don’t like to see any of my girls so sad.” My eyes start to fill with tears, but I will them not to fall. She abruptly stands from the bed and orders me back to the kitchen.

“People will be here soon. Let’s finish and then you change. We have good Christmas.” As I start to follow her out of the room, my phone rings again, but just like before, it’s my mother, not Luke.

It isn’t until the afternoon that everyone arrives, filling the house with chatter and laughter of children. I called Luke two more times with no success. My heart is heavy, but I put a smile on my face for everyone.

“Why did you ask her that?” I hear Chris ask followed by a loud groan.

“Everything,” Sandy says. “He got me everything for Christmas. I thought the trip to Hawaii was my present.”

“Don’t get any ideas, Tash. I can’t afford everything. I already cleared out the Target clearance section for you.”

I shake my head as everyone laughs. I admire the new diamond earrings dangling from Sandy’s ears, and I give Chris a sympathetic smile as Tash admires a new Gucci handbag Sandy got.

“Hawaii is not even a Christmas present. It’s a needed vacation to recover from the holidays,” Jake says as he plays a video game with Noah. I don’t know how he’s able to concentrate on the game when Nia is glued to his back, roughly styling his hair. This is when I see the resemblance between Jake and Luke because if Luke were here, he’d be playing with the kids too, probably showing them his best wrestling moves from his Luke the Nuke days.

I pick at the dessert in front of me. He would love this cake. He’d top it with vanilla ice cream and drown it in whipped cream. Without even realizing it, I bought two cans of whipped cream, and he’s not here to spray it directly into his mouth. I want nothing more than to ask Jake and Sandy about Luke, but I can’t bring myself to say his name. If I do, I know the tears will start to fall again. A few minutes later, I manage to sneak away and check my phone, only to be left disappointed.

More people stop by. More presents are opened. There is music, laughter, and so much joy in the room, but all I feel is a deep void only one person can fill. Tonight was going to be the night Luke and I were going to exchange gifts, but I’ll be alone crying myself to sleep. With Jake and Sandy leaving for Hawaii tomorrow, and with the office being closed until the second day of the New Year, I’m going to stay with my aunt for at least another week with nothing to do but think about the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

I’m opening a new doll for Nia when I realize the room has gone quiet. I look up to find my mother standing in the middle of the room looking directly at me. The laughter filling the house must have been so loud I didn’t hear the front door open.

She looks the same and different all at the same time. Her eyes are the first thing I notice. It’s not just the empty look, but now it’s filled with something else. There’s crazed desperation in her eyes. Neither of my parents are tall people, but my mother is taller than I am. As she stands here now, she looks much smaller. She’s lost a considerable amount of weight in the short time since I last saw her. Her wild hair, so similar to mine, has a smattering of gray.

I look around and everyone is looking at me, presumably waiting for me to speak. My aunt walks towards me, putting a protective arm around me, but I shrug out of it and walk out of the room.

The tears fall as soon as the door closes behind me, but I don’t have much time to ponder my feelings because Sandy comes in right behind me. She doesn’t say anything at first, she simply pulls me into her arms and holds me, running her hand through my hair over and over again.

“I can’t deal with her right now,” is all I manage to say after several minutes. “I just can’t.”

“You don’t have to. I’ll go out there and ask her to leave.”

“She’s been calling,” I say. “It’s been eight weeks, and she calls today of all days. I didn’t take her calls. She watched and said nothing as my father put me out. She’s not as vile as he is, but she’s never done anything to protect me from him, so she’s complicit as far as I’m concerned.”

Sandy starts to speak, but I cut her off.

“I know she has her own issues. I know that. Do you know a couple of years ago, I suggested she was depressed, and she should go see someone? Do you know what she did? She told my father what I said, and he accused me of trying to break up his marriage.” I scoff at my own words. “What marriage? You and Jake, Tash and Chris. You guys have marriages. I don’t know what the hell my parents have, but it’s a damn disaster, is what it is. My point is, she has issues and when I tried to help, she threw me under the bus. I can’t deal with her right now on top of everything else.”

Sandy stays quiet for several minutes before she speaks again. “Everything else with Luke?”

I take a deep breath and nod. “You know?”

“Sweetie, Luke never spent this much time at our house before. And I came into your room one morning and found you both asleep in your bed. You two aren’t as discreet as you think. It’s been obvious, Vivi. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was supposed to be a secret. It was supposed to be nothing but sex, Sandy. I don’t want a relationship ever, but he does. Or he did. He put it all out there at his parents’ Christmas party. I got jealous when Zoey arrived and walked out of the room. He found me and said he wanted to walk back to the party as a couple. I made the biggest mistake and said no. Now, he won’t take my calls.” The tears come again, and Sandy holds me as I cry through it.

“That explains why he was like a sullen ghost last night and this morning. He’s miserable too, Vivi. And you know what? You made a mistake. All you have to do is tell him how you feel and ask for forgiveness.”

“I’m scared. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. What if I screw it all up? I wasn’t even in one and I screwed it up. You and Jake make it look so easy.”

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